Friday, August 24, 2007

Together forever..................someday

I am quickly approaching the three month mark of the death of Isabella and somehow her being gone doesn't seem real to me yet. Even still, when I think of it, it strikes me as so odd that she is really gone. I keep saying to Matt, "I can't believe she's really gone......." Do I expect her to come back? Not really. I am visiting her grave once a week now and I feel better about that. I was going everyday and it just made me so sad. Everytime I went I would just cry and cry, then go to my car, cry some more, then go home and yes, cry more. Besides, I know Isabella isn't really there, just her body, which is almost more than I can stand.

I keep re-playing in my head the night she passed away and having to give her away to some stranger and know that I would never kiss her sweet face again. I can hardly even type about it. I don't think I will ever come across a more difficult task than this in my lifetime. They gave us all the time we wanted/needed with Isabella before I told them to make the call. I think it was about 4 hours after she passed. Husband, Turkey and I just laid in bed with her for the last time. The funeral director is a wonderful man and made things as easy as I guess they could be. However, nothing could make the moment less traumatic for me. Now I am willing to admit that I briefly considered taking her and getting in my car and driving off. Now I kind of laugh at that, because of course, that's crazy. Where in the world was I going to take her anyways?? I don't think I even knew. I just knew that I didn't want to give her away. People can tell me until they are blue in the face that it was just Isabella's "body" not her "soul" and while yes, I believe that, her body meant a lot to me. It was her face that I kissed five million times a day. It was her body I bathed with mine in the shower a thousand times. I fed her and dressed her and hugged her to me. The physical loss is a huge loss and it's a pain that is so deep I've thought that I might actually die from it. So far though, I haven't, which I guess is a good thing! ;)

I had another parent of a Liss baby who passed away tell me that eventually I will forget the bad stuff like giving her body up and burying her. All I will remember are the times when she was alive and healthy. I really wish that would happen sooner rather than later, but I guess you can't rush this stuff. I truly believe you have to get through the bad to get to the good. If you skip the bad, you don't really heal the right way.

I miss her so intensely, I would just give anything to hold her one more time.....even on her most horrible "archy" day. I guess I should explain "archy", that was one of my many nicknames for her. Because of Isabella's Lissencephaly she would literally arch backwards like a giant C. Sometimes, if I let her, she could touch the back of her head to her bottom. Quite amazing to watch. I swear it was like she had no spine at all! Of course she did in fact have a spine and by the time she passed away I'm pretty sure she had some scoliosis from all that "wonderful" arching. :) Anyways, somedays she would just arch and arch and arch, and it usually meant something. Like, "put me down, I don't want to held anymore" or "pick me up! I want to be held again!" One time, I had her in her special "feeder" seat in my bedroom in front of the tv (she *loved* to watch videos with Turkey on a good vision day) and Turkey was watching with her while I took a quick shower. Well, 5 minutes into the shower Isabella starts whining a little (which was odd for her, she didn't whine/cry a lot), so I listened and eventually the whines got louder and angrier. I took a peak at her around the shower curtain and sure enough, she was arching right out of her chair. I immediately rushed out and grabbed her and knew exactly what she was so upset about. How dare mommy take a shower without me!!!! I laugh just thinking about it again. So I undressed her and brought her in with me and she immediately relaxed and went to sleep in my arms. My sweet girl. She loved her showers. My showers won't ever be the same without her. I took a shower with her every night the last three days she was on this earth. I will never forget the way she felt in my arms and how she loved to have the water rush over her head. (very odd considering she hated to have her head touched)

I miss you baby girl, and I love you so very much. I know we will be together forever someday..............

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