Monday, September 24, 2007

Here we go again...

Well, I seem to have the most trouble on these little "month" anniversaries. I am now approaching the 4 month anniversary of Isabella's passing. Man, this just really sucks. I try to be positive, I try to say things like "well, she's not suffering anymore, that's what is most important." I don't always feel that way though. She was my baby....correction, she IS my baby and I usually just want her back. Now that she is gone I feel very selfish. It's like I no longer care that she was clearly miserable here on Earth and probably always would be. At I had her in my arms though.....and could smell her and kiss her. Shortly after Isabella passed away I was giving Jackson a bath and accidentally used her bubble bath (she had her own and Jackson had his own)....well, the smell just about knocked me over. It was so raw, so her I couldn't stand it. I immediately changed the water and put the remaining bubble bath in her closet so I could smell it anytime I wanted. I still go in there and pull it out on tough days, just to remember her smell. Her clean smell anyways.....she had other smells of course ;)

We went to the cemetery today hoping that the bench we bought would be up, but alas it is not. By the weekend, they promise. We'll see. We are going to the pumpkin patch this weekend to pick pumpkins for Isabella's grave (what an awful word right?) and to put up her new fall flowers I bought last week. Husband also requested a maple tree (my favorite) be planted by the bench this fall, for shade and beauty. It's so funny whenever we go out there, I look at my own plot and think "oh yeah, I'm going to die someday too....hmmmm". It's strange facing your own mortality. Death has never really scared me though, it's always seemed so natural to me. Perhaps because so much of my mom and dad's family died when I was a child. I remember many, many funerals. Of course, I never anticipated burying my child. I always thought I would bury my mother or father, that seems much more "natural". Burying a child does not. I'm happy with the cemetery we chose, it's so nice and extremely peaceful. Jackson loves the "big pond" as he calls it. He fishes in it or throws rocks in it whenever we go. We'll try anything to keep him from wreaking havoc on the other grave sites. *sigh* You just have yell "NO!" and cringe a little when he pulls flowers out or steps on headstones. He's three though, what can we expect really?

As the due date of Rollie Pollie approaches I become increasingly anxious about how I will feel when he gets here. I think the fact that he is a boy will most definitely help the situation, but it will be very bittersweet. Our doula suggested we bring a big picture we have of Isabella with us to the hospital while I labor and birth Rollie Pollie, so I can look at her and feel like she is apart of everything. It made me cry tears of joy when she suggested it. How perfect. I'm sure one or two people will think I'm kookie, but that's ok, it's never bothered me before. She also said after Rollie Pollie arrives, she will take a family picture of all of us in bed together and put Isabella's picture in the background. This makes me *extremely* happy. I know she is with me whether I have a picture of her or not, but the visuals help. The sad fact is that there will be a member of our family missing when Rollie Pollie makes his grand entrance. Once again, that just sucks. I hope Rollie Pollie is healthy and ok. I keep telling God "I can't take much more, so go easy on me, OK??" I've been very strong this last year and half, but we all have breaking points. I'm teetering on the edge...........

I miss you my precious girl, my sweet Princess. Mama loves you so much and I cannot wait until we are together forever. I can't wait until I look at your eyes and know that you know exactly who I am. I love you forever and for always.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

So, my EX-doctor thinks I'm crazy.....

Yeah, I'm switching OB's.....I'm 33 weeks and heading to another practice. *sigh* Well, I saw it coming, husband saw it coming, shoot, EVERYONE saw it coming, I just have to be hit with a mack truck it seems to get the hints of my life. Oh, and just to clarify, I'm not going to another OB, I'm going to a midwife now....but I'll get into that later.

So I had my bi-weekly check up with Dr. Evil on Monday. Well, the previous evening I had felt like Rollie Pollie wasn't moving as much....or the same as before. I got a little paranoid. You should know, that Isabella quit moving altogether around 35 weeks, to the point where I really thought she had died in utero, but was assured with Non-Stress Tests that she was P-E-R-F-E-C-T-L-Y Fine. Right. Oooookay. So I continue to get more worked up over night and in the morning while getting ready for said appointment. I call husband. I cry, I panic a little. Husband does what husband does best and talks me off the ledge. Says reassuring things like "Rollie Pollie is fine, maybe he's just tired." "Or fat" We laugh. I'm feeling better......a little better anyways. He decides he needs to leave work and come with me. I protest, he insists.....gosh I love that man. So we're off to see Dr. Evil.

We get to Dr. Evil's office and I inform her nurse that we are concerned, I have what I consider decreased fetal movement, movements have changed, etc. Nurse checks heart rate with crappy doppler, says "his heart is good, everything is fine". Thanks LPN! You must know everything! I wanted to slap her and say, "yeah, I have one of those at home and my daughter's heart was always beating but SHE WAS NOT FINE!". But I don't, because she doesn't really know what she's talking about and I know this. Dr. Evil comes in, all hurried and busy like. (Us little people just have no idea how *hard* their jobs goodness!) Says "you look great, baby looks great, he's moving great, right?" Um, NOPE. Guess you and your super LPN don't converse. I give complaints, she acts annoyed. (once again, her job is *very* hard you know.....and it's completely my fault she CHOSE to be a doctor.......funny how most doctors seem to really hate patients, hm. I'm not sure how they think they are supposed to earn those porsche's?, but I digress) So Dr. Evil sighs heavily and says "well, we'll give you non-stress test" Like she's the one giving it or something. Right. Anyways, we do it for a whopping 20 minutes, she says "well, he kicked 5 times (didn't pay any attention to the accelerations, there were none) we'll see you in two weeks". Fine. Whatever. You're a doctor, so you're a god, I'm stooooopid since I'm not a doctor.

We leave. We eat lunch, I drink some caffeine to see if that will wake our lazy Rollie Pollie up. Yep, it does. Ah.....I feel much better. For a while. Then it continues. Very little movements. More squirms, less kicks. I'm getting really worked up again. I keep having deja vu from Isabella. Fearing the worse is happening again. I drive myself crazy for another 24 hours, break down crying several times, decide to call Dr. Evil's "nurse". Instead of a nurse with instructions I get Dr. Evil herself. How nice. NOT. She immediately says "what EXACTLY can I do for you CRAZY LADY (ok, she calls me by my name, but it was insinuated)" (emphasis on extrememly hateful tone) I stutter for a minute because one I'm surprised a doctor god called a little person like me on the phone and two she's being so incredibly nasty and I'm not sure why. I say something like "uh, I'm not sure, I'm just worried and I just want some reassurance that baby is fine." She says: "well, I gave you a NST, is that not enough???" Well, no, actually it's not dammit! I had several of those with Isabella, was reassured she was fine and she was in fact not fine....but she knows that. She knows all of that. I tell her she is being awfully insensitive to my situation, given what I went through with Isabella AND THEN BURYING HER THREE MONTHS AGO. You know what that EVIL woman says to me? "Well, you knew this pregnancy would be hard." Yeah, I an extent. Did I KNOW my daughter would die when I was 18 weeks pregnant? Nope. Does that complicate things? Just a little. Are my emotions crazy right now? Completely. Is it justified? Totally. I don't owe ANYONE an explanation. Period. Not even a "god doctor". So then she asks if I just want her to take the baby NOW so I can see him. Oh, yes please. I'd love a preemie! Oh yeah! There's the right answer you sarcastic terrible witch woman. So now I'm full on bawling, ashamed at my emotions because the normal me would have ripped her a new one and left HER crying in the fetal position, but I just don't have any fight in me these days.
So Dr. Evil sighs again (I'm really getting tired of those exaggerated sighs at this point, like I'm some insolent three year old) and says "just go to Labor and Delivery tonight and I'll set you up with a Biophysical Profile, will that make you feel better???" I said "hopefully, yes". Another sigh. "let's just have you do TWO of those a week, so you won't bother me". Bother you? BOTHER YOU???? I AM PAYING YOU! I EMPLOY YOU! THAT ESCALADE YOU DRIVE? THAT'S ME YOU BLEEPITY, BLEEPING, BLEEP. Oh, but once again, I digress.

So husband and I go to have the BPP and everything is fine. Rollie Pollie scores an 8 out of 8, which is perfect. I feel better. Husband wants to beat Dr. Evil within an inch of her life, which is so sweet of him. ;) We talk to the nurse........we tell nurse that we are leaving Dr. Evil immediately. We tell her why. She tells us Dr. Evil is not anyone. Oh and she has the highest C-Section rate of ALL OB's at this hospital. Let me tell you, she has a lot of OB's to compete with. Not good. It doesn't really surprise us, since Dr. Evil has been trying to schedule my baby since I was 15 weeks (for convenience of course, I just haven't figured out if it's for mine or hers???) I know it angers her that I wouldn't let her induce me. Well, get over it. I'm an intelligent woman, I do my homework and really, it's my body.....don't I get a say?

Why is it that Doctors don't like educated patients? I asked one of my friends who is an RN that question today, she also use to work for an OB (one that I like and respect by the way and has done a lot for us this pregnancy, he just can't deliver this baby because he's a man, and I have issues with that.) Well she said patients like me make doctors feel "threatened". If you're a good doctor and you're confident in that, then you shouldn't feel "threatened" by what I know. I would never, ever claim to know half of what doctors know, but I don't just take what they say as gospel. I question them. I research on my own. It works for me too. If I weren't that kind of person, Isabella would have missed out on a lot. She would have been ignored. But she wasn't, because I was yelling on her behalf all along. We actually had to switch neurologists with Isabella because the neuro actually said to me "you know too much about a disorder I know nothing about and I don't like it." I give her an A for honesty but a big fat F in humble pie. The next neuro? After talking for 15 minutes, he looked at me and said "I bet you know more than I know about this whole Liss thing don't you?" I looked at him and said "I know I do". He laughed and laughed hard. You know what? I loved him instantly. I actually went into his office and told him Isabella needed to be weaned off this medicine and increase the other one. You know what he said? "That's exactly what I think, you're smart.....ever wanted to be a doctor?" Nope. :) He wasn't the least bit threatened by what I knew. Of course he didn't know a lot about Lissencephaly, why would he? It's not like I knew more about epilepsy or something totally common. I HAD to learn everything. Nobody else knew anything. It's survival....plain and simple. When we met with the doctor in Chicago to discuss Isabella, that doctor was impressed with my knowledge since I had only known she had Liss for 6 weeks. You know why I knew so much? I had googled my brains out and read ALL of his research papers on it. Half of it might as well have been in swahili, but I He gave me a lot of knowledge on that trip and I am grateful. If it has to do with myself or my family, I will learn and I will learn quickly. I will look at things from *every* angle, not just one. Stooopid doctors is what I say. :)

So, off to the midwife we go. Funny, because at the very beginning of the pregnancy I had an appointment with this midwife, but canceled, thought I should go with an "all knowing" doctor. Should have listened to my own voice. I am learning how to do that, very slowly. Eventually God, I promise you won't have to run me over with Mack trucks anymore. I swear. I'm getting there.........

Thursday, September 13, 2007

I think I might actually be crazy.......

Ok, so husband and I are doing this whole child birth thing this time, au natural. I guess I should say that *I* am doing it au natural....husband will just be watching! Well, he'll be helping me, providing massage, words of encouragement, someone to strangle, etc. We did indeed hire a Doula and I am so excited. We will call her "wonder woman". Wonder woman is very nice and oh so intelligent on all things "natural" when it comes to child birth. I am SO excited for this and completely terrified! I love the labor and delivery part of pregnancy, it's such an amazing climax and just plain amazing. I cannot wait to meet Rollie Pollie and see his beautiful face, smell him and feed him with my body. I did not get to have the wonderful breastfeeding relationship with Isabella, because of her disorder. It's been a long time since I have breastfed a sweet little baby and I am READY! It's just so amazing and wonderful to see just what the woman's body is capable of. It's a perfect, whole food. God's gift to our babies!!

So, my previous two munchkins were "medical" births. I have nothing against "medical" births really, simply because I had none of the common complications of them. I guess I got lucky.....or something like that. I have always been anti-induction unless it's an emergency situation (more often than not today, it's NOT) but I grateful for the induction of Isabella. Something in me told me to do it and Thank God I did. You see, we did not yet know of Isabella's severely under developed brain and because of that, she may have never sent my body into labor. The day we decided to induce, they broke my water first and it was stained with meconium (aka, baby poo). Had I not been induced that day, Isabella may have died in utero. It gives me chills just to think of it. My body simply was not responding to her the way it did to Jackson, and now, in hindsight we know why. I was lucky though and my induction went smoothly and quickly. Many other women do not have the same results. But I won't bore you with those stats. You just have to educate yourself! Don't rely on your doctor, please! Trust me, they *do not* have *your* best interest in mind. My OB just flat out told me last week that she wants to induce me for *convenience*. Mine or hers? Hmmmm..... I'm going to go with hers. :O Obviously I am not going to be induced, for anybody's convenience. Rollie Pollie is coming, ready or not. I just have to wait. I'm already uncomfortable, why not endure it for a full 40 weeks??? Shocking, I know.

So, natural child birth. Eeek! I know I can do it and blessedly husband knows I can do it. Whenever I ask if he is getting nervous he just says "no way, I know that you can do this, no problem". Nice! I know I can too, but the thought is still scary. Anything unknown is scary though right? We'll see. I will just be relying on husband, wonder woman and God. :) Hope they pull throug! Hope *I* pull through. "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can". Maybe there is a deeper reason "The Little Engine that Could" has always been my favorite book. :) Such optimism! How can you not love that?

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Tossing and turning

I can't sleep..........again. I swear, I have spent the majority of this pregnancy, not sleeping. Very different from my previous two pregnancies, as I could have slept all day and night with those. Of course, nothing with this pregnancy is the same, so I shouldn't really be surprised that I am tossing and turning every night. Well, almost every night.

It's been a really rough couple of days with Isabella. My periods of where I am doing really good are getting longer it seems, so that must be a good sign. Or I hope it is, I don't really know. Husband said the other day that he thinks he is doing better than me because I still cry about her a lot. I think that is totally wrong, but I'm a woman and he's a man, and that means we don't agree. ;) I just miss her. It's that simple. I don't have anything more to say than that. I want to hold her again and kiss her again. I don't think anyone really understands how much of myself I gave to Isabella. How hard I fought for her and because of her. How every night I would lay her down in her bed and know that it may be the last time I saw her alive. I would kiss her a million times and tell her how much I loved her just in case it was. Every night......for 14 wonderful months. It's so strange to me that it's over. My brain just can't seem to compute it yet. I asked husband if he ever thought it wouldn't feel strange to not have her here with us and he said "I doubt it." Me too. It still seems very strange to me that I will not watch Isabella grow up here on Earth. I will not ever see her running towards me, or hear her say "mama". It's just plain unfair! Sometimes, when Turkey throws one of his now infamous tantrums, where he literally hurls himself to the floor and screams "it's not fair!" I think to myself, "your right, it's not, it's not fair for any of us" and wish that I could hurl myself on the floor right next to him. Of course if I did that, at this point in my pregnancy, I wouldn't be able to get back up unless husband was around, who would probably be on the phone with the looney bin. Hey, at least Turkey would find it amusing. Or terrifying. Ha.

I'm really getting tired of the comments from family lately on how "wonderful" it will be for me once Rollie Pollie gets here. Like he's a replacement child for Isabella or something. Yes, because once Rollie Pollie arrives, I will just magically forget my daughter and "MOVE ON". Listen, I'm not ever going to "move on" from Isabella. I'm sure my feelings and thoughts on Isabella will change. I'm sure that I won't have this horrible heart ache everyday, forever. (or at least I hope not) I'm sure I will be happy again and my family will be happy again. HOWEVER, I will never, ever, leave Isabella behind. She is still my daughter. She is still Turkey's little sister and Rollie Pollie's BIG sister. (When I say BIG, I mean it, our girl was HUGE!) ;) Isabella's death does not change the relationship. Yes, it changes the dynamic of our relationship with her, but she's still who she was to us. I have to laugh to myself though, because I know it's not their need for US to move on, it's their need to move on. Too bad. As long as you are apart of my life, and coming to my home, you'll see Isabella and hear about Isabella. Always. If you don't like................well, I'm sure you know exactly where you can go without me even having to type it out. :O

I've really started to feel Isabella with me lately. I think she is trying to help me the way that I helped her while she was with us. I know she wants me to be happy, even if it is without her. I know she wants me to love Rollie Pollie, just like I love her. I hate that I feel guilty every time I get excited about Rollie I am betraying her. Of course, my logical self knows that is ridiculous, and that if she were still here, then I wouldn't feel that way. Of course I'd feel guilty that Rollie Pollie was about to take time away from Isabella. *sigh* Mothering has to be the most guilt inducing job EVER. No matter what you do, you feel guilty for something. It's never enough I guess.

Oh, I have to mention that I have some really incredible friends. I thought two friends of mine were having a housewarming party earlier in the week because they just moved in together. I had planned on going for a week and was really excited about it. Then of course, that afternoon, grief strikes and I'm a mess. A wreck. Really hating life. So I cancel, that way I can be totally pathetic and really feel sorry for myself. BAD, BAD idea!!!! One my friends calls me to see if I'm really not coming, I say "yeah" and she says, "well, the problem is that it isn't really a housewarming party, it's a SURPRISE BABY SHOWER FOR YOU!" I felt like the world's biggest BOOB ever! So of course I rushed of the couch (well, I Heave/ho'd) and was out the door in 1 minute. No make up, no fixed hair. Nothing. Those girls are SO sweet and went all out for me. :) Balloons, TONS of food, punch and cake, streamers and a gift :) I had so much fun, I stayed out until 10 pm! (I know, 10 pm is soooooo late, right?) Anyways, if you gals read this silly blog of mine, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I really needed that and I will never forget it. Hands down, the best shower EVER. :) Plus, I have to thank you Miss Thang for the picture of Husband and I that I had never seen, from when we were a hot, young couple. Wow. Husband and I keep laughing over it, and it now has a home on the front of our fridge to remind us of who we were and how we can get back there! :) (minus the copious amounts of alcohol!) ;) I really can't believe I ever looked that young and carefree!! It was beyond fun to "remember when".....I have been doing that ever since that night. Oh, and Miss M. I hope you had fun with the helium!!!

Ok, I feel better now. Writing is so very theraputic. Oh, Rollie Pollie must feel better too, he's kicking up a storm. What a nice feeling. Ok, I need to try and sleep some more. Turkey's first soccer game is today and did I ever mention that I'm the head coach? Yes, me. Nevermind that birth is becoming increasingly imminent, I can still run! Ok, waddle really quick-like, but you get it. Wish us luck. GO LIONS!!!!

Saturday, September 1, 2007

A Doula for me!

Well, I am very excited about today. What is so special about today you ask? (ok, even if you didn't ask, I'm telling!) Husband and I are interviewing a DOULA today. If you don't know what a Doula is, go google it for crying out loud! I came to the decision this week that we (or really I) need a Doula for this birth since we are doing it au natural. I swear, with each baby I get a little "crunchier", Husband says I'm almost full blown hippie, which of course I am NOT. Really.

So, the Doula. She is so nice! I called her on Thursday and we talked for over an hour! She is so nice and very informative. I just don't think I can depend on husband to get me through this. He doesn't really know what he's doing, plus he's a busy guy. I mean, if you consider going to school full time, working full time and dealing with ME busy. I do. He just can't read all the books I need him to read, especially when he has really exciting Microeconomics books to read. I'm so jealous.

Now, that being said, husband *must* be there and *must* be my main support. He knows me better than anyone. He knows just how to talk me "off the ledge", so I *need* him there. Plus, I have a good husband and he *wants* to be there. He's so supportive with everything! He totally promotes no drugs, breastfeeding, baby wearing, etc. Kind of surprising when you examine his father.....ah, but we've already discussed wise old man haven't we? Well, here's another "pearl" for you. Wise old man thinks breastfeeding is GROSS and PERVERTED. Yeah, he's a wise one I tell you. Nevermind that God created us that way PERFECTLY, it's just plain GROSS. Okie dokie. He's probably just jealous! ;)

Now, I know a lot of my friends and my mom think I am "crazy" for doing this. But I swear I am not. It's really the way it should be done if it can be done that way. I will admit though, that as my due date approaches I get a little more nervous. Once again, that's where my little Doula steps in. She knows her stuff, she knows what to say and how to help me r-e-l-a-x. I am really not good at relaxing. It's just not my style, man! So, the nerves are coming. I'm sure that's normal. I mean, we are talking about me delivering one of husbands giganto children from a seemingly teeny tiny space. And the contractions.......oh the contractions. It all works out though, the body knows what's up and how to take care of business. I trust my body to do what's right. I think. Maybe. We'll see anyways!

Oh, and if you didn't know, today is the first game of my #1 team :) Ah, I can already here the Pride playing "Boomer Sooner" GO SOONERS!!!!!!