Tuesday, July 29, 2008

More sadness coming my way

So, my grandfather is dying......I like to just get right to the point you know. He's been sick for a while with recurrent prostate cancer. We found out about 6 months before Isabella passed away and he's been fighting it ever since. Up until last week he's been doing pretty good considering he is in his seventies and the cancer is everywhere in his body, eating him alive.

That is until last week.

My mom called me and said they had decided it was time for Hospice. Of course they wanted the Hospice nurse we had and I agreed that would be best. I loved Isabella's hospice nurse, or rather I love her. She is an amazing woman and became my friend over the months she spent stopping by once a week to check on us.

The trouble with all of this is what it's doing to me mentally. The flood of emotions and memories is almost too much to take. It's left me remembering all the bad days and the last week of her short life. I hate that week and I hate thinking about it even more. I still wake up most days wishing it was all a bad dream and that I have three healthy, beautiful children. Will I ever give that up? Will I ever find total acceptance?

Ironically enough I feel as though I do not know what to say to my mother who is losing a father or my grandmother who is about to lose her life companion. I have harbored such resentment against those who did not have the perfect words of comfort for me and I here I am, stumbling awkwardly. A taste of my own medicine I suppose. Death is uncomfortable to be sure and I find myself with this huge chip on my shoulder constantly thinking "well, their loss is not like my loss.....they aren't burying a CHILD". Or even "OK, he's old, he lived a long, happy life, Isabella certainly didn't get that!" Man, I totally cringed even typing that. It's awful.........but painfully true.

My mom did really piss me off the other night with some of dramatics. We were talking about her decision to place her dad in Hospice and how difficult it was for her and she literally said: "You just don't understand what it feels like to put SOMEONE YOU LOVE IN HOSPICE, IT'S LIKE YOU ARE GIVING UP ON THEM AND ACCEPTING THEIR DEATH." Ex-fucking-cuse me? I don't understand what it's like???? I literally could not even form words with my mouth I was so shocked. I mean, yeah, she's under some stress and she's facing her dad's death and all that so I should probably cut her some slack. But seriously? I think I fucking DO understand, like five million times MORE than she understands. Are we really going to compare the death of a dying old man to my daugther who never even got a real shot at life? Really? Are we sure about this?!

I in fact, absolutely know what it's like to put "someone you love" in Hospice. I can remember signing the DNR papers on my daughter, my child, my breath like it was yesterday. I can remember the people, the emotions, the fucking smells of that day. I can remember how Isabella was sweetly napping in her crib and I could hear her soft breathing on the monitor as I literally signed her life away. Just like that. Oh, but I don't understand. Please.

The problem, is that nobody understand ME and what I've been through. None of my friends, none of my family. Nada. I've searched high and low for a support group, email group, and have come up empty handed each time. There is nothing more isolating than losing a child, nothing more painful. I will say it loud and proud: If you haven't lost a child, you just don't know.

And hopefully, if you are lucky, you never will.


I think this is so neat! You type in your url and it puts together this little "wordle" which is just a mass of all the words picked from your website. Pretty neat-o.

Here is mine : (Click to make bigger)

I'm clearly bored today...

Monday, July 28, 2008

How to resent all of your family and friends in one easy lesson

OK, first of all you need to get pregnant. Totally basic stuff here, usually anyways.

Second, you need to have what everyone (including you!) thinks is a normal, healthy pregnancy.

Third, you need to give birth to a "healthy" baby.

Fourth, you need to find out in the coming days/weeks/months/years that something is terribly wrong with your "healthy" baby and your world needs to crumble around you. (The hard part)

At this point everyone around you will clamor to help and comfort you in any way they can. You will be amazed at everyone's compassion and generosity. You will experience a surge of love for all of your family members and friends like you have never experienced. This will go on for sometime, you will think you have been blessed by the gods with wonderfully supportive people who will never turn their backs on you. You are wrong.

Now your not-so-healthy baby has to die. (The hardest part.)

Where is all that love? The compassion? The generosity? The clamoring? Wh-wh-wh-wha?

Gone. Poof. Just like that.

Nobody wants to touch a dead child! Nobody wants to call you and see how you are doing. Nobody wants to even ASK how you are doing. Nobody dares to mention your dead child's name, because "what if you CRY for pete's sake??" Then what??

You grieve and you grieve alone. Your family? Your friends? They move on. It's so easy for them, too easy in fact. It's better to just not think about it. I mean, after all SHE is better off now right? She had no real life..........death was good for her. We can all rest easy now. They ASSume you feel the same way. They are wrong.

There you go, I told you it was easy-peasy!!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Did I think it wouldn't come back or what?

So of course, I've been on an upswing (hence the lack of blogging) and there is only one way to go when you are up right? Doooown. Not that I've been in the pit of hell again, thank goodness. I've just been feeling morose lately.

If fact, yesterday I had the boys in a my new sparkley double jogging stroller running (trotting) and I just started sobbing. While running (trotting). I just miss my girl so much. Every minute.

Watching Rollie Pollie grow and flourish has done amazing things for my heart and soul. Just last week he was standing at some toy and he turned his head to smile at me and my heart stopped. I just saw a glimpse of Isabella......of how she would have looked playing and smiling at me. I've tried so many times to imagine what she would have been like and I guess I lack the skills, because I cannot even fathom a life for her that is not full of illness, seizures and total non-development. When I think of her, I think of her the way she really was, not the way I hoped she be........

On a better note, I have in fact been working out again (finally!) and I love it! I am finally starting to get myself back after all these hard years and it feels fantastic. I'm re-discovering me............not the mama, not the wife, just me. Where have I been? Having babies, losing a baby, having another baby, cleaning, cooking, wiping butts, taking names. Oy vey. It's good to come back to myself. Of course I'm still a mama, a wife and a butt-wiper, but I need to be ME as well and I sometimes (ok all of the time) forget that.

I have so much love in my heart for my sweet boys......I find myself everyday just staring at both of them in wonder. Rollie Pollie laughing, crawling, feeding himself, sitting UP! All of it seems like such a gift, such a miracle after Isabella. When a healthy child or children is all you know, you just take those things for granted. Of course they can sit up! Of course they can crawl/cruise/walk, Hello? Well, I've learned not every baby does those things. Not by a long shot. I took it for granted too. Now I know. It's a gift, it's luck, it's something you cannot see/touch/smell. You either get it or you don't. I have both, the good and the bad. Some only get good, some unfortunate souls only get the bad.

So I'm in a low spot again and that's OK. I know I'll come out of it, I somehow always do. The Rascals and I are taking a little weekend getaway and I'm excited.....well except that the highs are 105. Yes, that says ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE DEGREES. Ay yi yi! It should still be fun at least for the boys. We all need a little break so that we can come back revived and march on. Isabella wants that for us, that much I know.

Isabella, I'm still here and you are still there. I miss you, miss you like crazy and then some. You are always with me, in my mind, my thoughts, my actions, my heart. Loving you sweet girl, Mama

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Where have the last four years gone?

My dear, sweet Turkey,

Today you are officially four years old. I can only vaguely remember a time when I was not your mother, and mostly I try not to. You have made my life so much fuller and beautiful in so many ways. I can still remember the moment I found out you were growing inside of me. I waited anxiously for the test results early in the morning in early November. I remember trying to busy myself with other things in the bathroom, when all I wanted to do was stare and the test and watch for that magical second line.

Obviously, the second line was there.............
You have always been such a sweet and sensitive child. When you were a baby you loved to be held, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Not much has changed.....although holding now isn't quite as easy as it once was. I have spent every day with you, watching you grow into the most wonderful little man. You have been through so much in your short life, more than anyone should have to endure and you have come through it with ease, much to your daddy and I's amazement.

There are times when you remind me so much of myself, it makes me catch my breath. Then you show your daddy's traits and I relax a little. You are funny beyond your years and often make me cry with your constant hilarity. Your comic timing is genius.

You have the most magical love for music and I am so excited to see where that love takes you. I hope you do more with it then I did, because I will always regret not sticking with my first love. You already have an adult taste for tunes, your favorites are Journey, Heart and Parliament. Classics. Like you. All I have to do is turn on "Give up the Funk" and you are dancing and singing away like it is the most natural thing in the world. And it is. Who needs a backseat DVD player when you have music man.........

Your sensitivity is something that worries me for your future. You have such a heavy dose of it; a lot from me and even more from your daddy. I have had to teach myself over the years to not be so sensitive and my heart aches already for all the pain you will endure over the years because of it. I hope you learn to control it someday, but never totally lose it. You will be hurt by other kids, by the girls, by me. Hopefully most of it will not be intentional, but merely a result of your sensitive nature.
You are a rockin' big brother, a total natural. When we had Isabella you never batted an eye. You were never jealous of her or the attention I had to give her. Through her illnesses, her struggles and my own battles, you stayed strong and caring, but never jealous. You seemed to sense that things were not well with your little sister and you were always so gentle and loving to her. You loved to just hold her and she loved it too. You love Rollie Pollie just as much, perhaps even more since you are older and more knowing. You have enjoyed watching him grow in the normal way. Hey, at least when you take a toy from him, you always offer to replace it. Heh.

Every day it seems you grow a little more, mature a little more and learn a little more. You love to be outside and could happily spend hours sans clothes running in the grass, playing in the mud. You are a true Daddy's Boy and light up the minute he comes home from work. When you were just a toddling baby you and I would wait for him to get home and your short, chubby legs would carry you to his truck where he would sweep you up and let you "drive" in the driveway. You still love to do that today. You have a very special bond with your Daddy and it makes my heart swell just thinking of it.

I hope you always know just how much we both love you, and how happy we are that we had you. You are a true miracle and everyday you are in my life is a better, sweeter day. I hope your childhood is filled with magic and wonder and that you never forget where you came from.
I love you sweet Turkey, you light up my life...........Happy 4th Birthday......you are the one and only ever YOU.

Love, Mama