Tuesday, August 7, 2007

A much needed rest

Well, it probably won't really be "restful", but we are heading to the beach for three days soon. I really cannot wait. We saved and saved for this and now it's finally here. Too bad I am officially in my third trimester and feeling the heat! I'm sure we'll manage to keep mama happy and comfortable though :O Turkey really needs this trip and since it's his first trip to the ocean he is so very excited. I wish we had the money to stay longer, but someday we will, I just know it.

Naturally, we first planned this trip to be with Isabella. I wanted at least one family vacation with her. Does it really matter? No. Would she have truly loved it? Probably not. But it was important to me, to have those memories. Of course when I think of it in a logical way, I know that Isabella hated changes of atmosphere and really disliked lots of people and noise. But she would have loved the ocean, I just know it. My sweet girl just loved to be outside, no matter when, no matter where. I like to think that she will be with us in spirit this weekend, enjoying the sun and water with us. See? I'm *trying* to be positive, here! If I'm going to be totally honest, which I might as well be, who is reading this anyways?, I will tell you that in my head I'm thinking "THIS IS CRAP!" "She should be here, she shouldn't have had Lissencephaly, I hate that WORD".

You know people are so funny. I hear the strangest things from those around me, and even though I know they mean well, it bugs the hell out of me. For instance, "someone" sat next to me on the couch the other day while visiting and I mentioned in the conversation "you know, since I've been depressed lately" and this "someone" looked at me in shock and said "your depressed?????" UH, YEAH. You know, since my DAUGHTER died and all, I just haven't felt real cheery! Somebody husband works with lately looked at him and said "so are you and wifey still sad?" Nah, I mean c'mon it's been two freakin' months.....we're totally over that whole mess! Yeah, man, we're still "sad". Gee whiz. If you are reading this, take a mental note and don't say crap like this if you ever have to deal with someone who has lost a child ok? Yes they are "depressed"......not clinically depressed, but SAD! I don't need prozac or anything, my SADNESS is justified! We are not more at peace with this because Isabella was sick or had an under-developed brain. I would be just as heartbroken if it were my normal child. I don't love Isabella less because of her shortcomings. That's not love. In fact, I love her MORE because of them. So there!

However I digress. I know I have a "serene, together" appearance. I can't help it....I'm not a weak person by nature, so I don't give that impression. So I guess I can't really blame people for being surprised that on the inside I am a totally different story. One woman described it perfectly. She said that I may appear like a duck on water.....floating peacefully across the pond, but underneath my little feet are paddling like crazy to stay afloat and maintain that calm apearance. WOW. That's really just perfect for what it's like to be me these days.

My main point though all this random babbling is that no matter what we do now, someone is missing. It's so intensely painful, and even though we push through and put smiles on our faces, believe me......when we get home at night we look at each other and say "I sure missed Isabella tonight". So when you see me smiling, laughing, pretending to be OK with my circumstances, I am always missing Isabella. I am acutely aware of who is missing in that moment of laughter. I'm sure that will never change for husband and I. I keep hearing and reading that eventually the pain will ebb and we will learn to live with our loss. But the loss itself will never change. She will always be the missing piece in our lives and yes, I think that just plain stinks.

So this weekend, we will go to the beach and I will love watching Turkey play and experience the ocean for the first time, but in my mind I will be wishing with everything in me that Isabella could be there too, it's what was supposed to happen, but did not.

I miss you Princess, I really do.

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