Monday, August 13, 2007

Good to be home

So we are home again after our weekend away at the beach. Turkey had so much fun and it was nice spoil him rotten (like he's ever *not* spoiled, you get the idea). He loved the beach as expected, the water in Galveston isn't the beautiful blue waters of the Caribbean by any means, but it worked :) We all took a boat ride in the harbor to watch for dolphins (one of Turkey's favorite creatures) and we saw SO many! The captain said he were very lucky, but I think Isabella helped out a little for her big brother. He really enjoyed it and so did husband and I!! I felt like a kid again, getting all excited to see a fin move in the water. We also took Turkey to the Rainforest Cafe for dinner one night, what a neat place! He loved it and we spent a small fortune, but it was worth it. :)

I did pretty good most of the trip, had a few shaky moments, but recovered well. That is, until our last morning there. We woke up early and went straight to the beach to hang out for a couple of hours and then went to our hotel, cleaned up and decided to go by a couple of cool souvenir shops we had seen on the beach. Well, we get in the first one, I'm looking around at all the "crap" (that's all it is really, but I'm a huge sucker for "crap") and I see these cute little colorful cups with kid names on them. Innocent enough right? WRONG. Those tiny, stupid cups that I now loathe were just staring at me. I knew I shouldn't go over and look for her name on a cup, but I did it anyways. Of course, right there staring at me was THE cup, that read "Isabella". There was only one left. I wanted to buy it, but why should? She would never drink out it, hell she would have never drank out of it if she were still here! Now, I should tell you that there is even more meaning behind this cup, beyond the fact that it had Isabella's name it. Life can be cruel beast sometimes and I know this more than most. You see, two summers ago, we took a trip to San Antonio. At the time I was 8 weeks pregnant. I already knew that if we were to have a girl, her name would be Isabella. I already knew that I was having a girl. Not conclusively, I mean, I was only 8 weeks, but instinctively I knew I was having a girl. Well, lo and behold we were on our last day of the trip there and we went to The Alamo. Went to the gift shop. What do you think I found? That very same cup, with Isabella's name. We found Turkey's too and bought his, but husband would not let me buy the Isabella one because he said "you don't KNOW it's a girl yet and that's silly". I wish I would have told him to shove it and bought it anyways. So, I didn't buy the stupid cup the first time I saw it because I was just barely pregnant and had no real idea at that time that I was carrying my sweet girl. The second time I see it, I have had my sweet girl Isabella, and she is gone. That's just really unfair, don't you think? Needless to say I began weeping uncontrollably in the middle of the gift shop and husband had no idea why. I just put my glasses on and walked out. I have been crying on and off since then. I was so happy to get home last night and walk through my front door and see the giant picture of her on the wall!

Husband and I talked this morning about how different our lives are now. How strange our family feels. We are back to being a family of three, not a family of four. It's like a part of me has been severed and I don't know what to do without that limb. I am having to learn all over again how to be human, but with a part of me missing. A part that will not grow back, or be replaced. Gone. It's overwhelming really when it gets like this. I have good periods and bad periods, and right now I'm in a bad one. I find it so ironic that the vacation made me miss her so much more, but I know she would have been miserable! She would have hated the busy, loud restaurants, the beach would have been way too hot, she hated water, unless it was warm and I was holding her, we couldn't have taken the boat ride together (no wheelchair access), the list goes on and on. For the 14 months we had her here, we did not spend much time together as a family of four, so it strikes me as very odd that we notice so much how we are not a family of four any longer. It was always one of us staying home with Isabella and one of us going with Turkey somewhere fun that Isabella would not enjoy. I shouldn't say *always*, there were times when we all did stuff together, they were just fewer and farther between. Despite the stuggles, despite everything, we'd give anything to have her back. Of course, I'd really like to have her back and have her healthy. But alas, that it is not going to happen. At some point I know I have to accept that. Someday...........not now though.

I love you Isabella and you never leave my mind or my heart. You will always, always, always, be my Princess. Nothing could ever replace you in my life or my heart. I love you.

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