I've had several little epiphanies lately. All regarding my life and experience with Isabella. For so long I've had the questions of "why", "how", the "purpose", etc. It's funny how when something terrible and hurtful happens in your life you first think "what the.....?" and then later you gain perspective (if you look for it that is). I've been gaining perspective these last few weeks and it feels good. Isabella's purpose was so far reaching that it amazes me. Will I ever be able to see my own purpose as clearly as I see hers? Probably not. I truly don't believe that Isabella's purpose is even close to completion, and I really love that.
I now know that Isabella showed me some truly wonderful people in this world, which in turn showed me how I had become lost from the wonderful person I use to be. I was becoming very cynical and losing some of my compassion for others. I am working towards that "old" me now and it feels good. I use to love volunteering and helping others in any way I could! I use to have a heart!! I use to blow the little things off and just count my blessings. Isabella brought that all back to me. I met some really amazing and compassionate people who had TRUE good intentions for my family and I will never forget them.
On the flip-side, Isabella also showed me some of the real ugliness in some around me. That is always a painful experience, because don't we all want to believe that we chose the right people in our lives and have good judgment? However we don't always chose the right people (I'm exceptionally good at choosing bad people!) and we don't always have good judgment. I'm not sure why in the past I have always done that, but I'm more careful now. I finally learned my lesson......... husband is so happy, because he's warned me about *several* people in my past and I always told him he was wrong, and guess what? He was right every.single.time. Kind of frustrating! :) And although it's painful to see some people close to you are not good and kind, it almost always feels good when you "clean up" the friendship closet. You see, you gain perspective. For the first time in a long time I have great people around me, and thank goodness because I need good people more than any other time in my life right now. Thank you Isabella.
One more thing Isabella brought back to me. My faith. It started last winter and I was more surprised than anyone. (of course my mom was relieved, she feared I would be mad at God forever.) I was mad at God. Really, really mad. I needed someone to blame for her Lissencephaly, and God was an easy target for me. You see, I follow every rule in pregnancy, heck even BEFORE pregnancy. I don't eat x,y,z, I don't take ANY medications (maybe a tylenol), I try to eat good foods, I try to get my exercise, etc. So imagine my surprise to find out my daughter has a genetic birth defect. I was like "a WHAT?" But husband and I were so perfect, so "above that". HA. Turns out that isn't really true, and I was pissed. So God is totally responsible,right? He did this on purpose to my daughter, to my family! I will never love or trust in Him again! Wrong. Probably last November/December I began to make peace with that thought train-wreck. I don't believe God did this to Isabella on purpose or to Matt and I on purpose. Yes, I believe he saw it coming. Yes, he knew this would be more than difficult for us. BUT, He also saw that Isabella would do so much good. She would change her mother, her father, shape her older brother and change hundreds in her community and across the globe. Yes, across the globe. I have actually spoken with a woman in Australia who will always remember my Isabella and hug her children tighter and take them for granted less. Wonderful. I am a better person because of Isabella, I finally have a direction in my life that I had been longing for, for years. Matt is a stronger, better father. Jackson is the sweetest, most compassionate three year old you will ever meet. I still feel blessed in my life, if you can believe it. I feel blessed to be Isabella's mother. This little girl, who was powerless, had the power to change people around her and I am in awe. Oh, and I get to be her mother for eternity..........kind of neat :) So in the end, I realized that God is still GOOD and has my back, as usual. That never really changed. I just didn't see it at first. It's so hard to see things at first, isn't it? Those darn emotions usually get in the way. You just have to wait for the fire to simmer down and the smoke to clear and you will gain the perspective you need. Be patient, it's coming............