Sunday, August 19, 2007

For once, some good news

Well, we had our (hopefully) last ultrasound on Friday for Rollie Pollie. I am 28 weeks and time is flying by now! Things look really good, his brain is developing (Praise God!) and he's looking perfectly healthy in there. He is already a little on the big side, but I figured that. I have yet to have a small baby. Of course the OB's are already talking "Induction"....gee whiz I hate that. Why should I have to argue about when my baby is coming? Hello, I'm an intelligent woman, I know my stuff and I also know the *real* reason you want to induce. CONVENIENCE! I don't think so, you make six figures a year, you can come deliver my baby at 3 am! Or send a resident, I don't care, it's not like OB's do anything outrageous when you deliver a baby! They just catch, suction and pass it off to the nurses who do the rest. WOW. Of course, that's if everything goes right. :) I know that they do a lot more than just that, I'm just venting. I'll stand my ground and let this big guy come when he is good and ready. Only he knows when it's time, thankyouverymuch! Besides, I am doing this one without any drugs, so I really don't want the fake contractions. Those are waaaaaay worse than the real thing, believe me! Mother nature is much kinder than man in this case :)

Of course this last week has been full of emotion. I often wonder if I will ever reach a point in my life again where I am calm and at total peace with my world. It's been so long since I've felt that way. I can look at pictures before Isabella and it rips my heart out. Husband and I did a taped interview for a genetics something or other a couple of months before Isabella passed away. The interviewer asked us to describe our lives before Isabella. I totally lost it and husband almost did. I'm crying just thinking of it now. I feel guilty for feeling that way, like I have been so miserable since Isabella. That's not true at all. I had some real happiness when she was here, but it was hard. And life after Isabella is even harder. So when does my life get "easy" again? Ever? Was I really blissfully, totally and completely happy before Isabella? No, of course not. I'm not sure that is really possible. Was I blissfully ignorant to the cruelties of this world? OH, YEAH! Did I have my life mapped out perfectly? Yep. Did I have Isabella's life mapped out and our life together mapped out? Sure did. We were going to be best friends, I was going to be the best mom I could to her and always be there for her. We would go shopping together, talk about boys, teach her how to put on make-up, all that good stuff :) I just couldn't wait. I'm a pretty girly-girl myself and the idea of me having my own daughter was just too much! I did get to do some things with Isabella. I tried to really take advantage of my time with her. I made tutu's for her and bows, bought copious amounts of super girly clothes for her to wear. Everyday was a dress up day for us :) I had fun, even is she could have cared less. I went overboard in decorating her room, it's completely pink, with a splash of pink. Who knows if I'll ever get to do that again? I like to think that I will get to a point where I am really content again. Of course, I will be content and missing Isabella, but I hear that I will just learn to live with that pain and it will not always consume me like it does now. Here's hoping!

Now, life after Isabella is a whole other ball-game. Right now, it's a battle. A battle to not be completely lost and sad and all day. A battle to get out of bed and take on the world, because I have to, not because I want to. A battle to make her proud and remain the mom I was before she left me. I love my kids so much, I am so dedicated to my job. I have always wanted to be a mother. Not a doctor or lawyer, just a good mom. Like anything else, it's not as easy as I imagined or as glorious, but it's wonderful. I keep meeting these mom's who have also lost babies to genetic defects. God is really showing me that I am not alone in this battle. There are many, many mothers right there in the trenches with me. I met two of these mothers last night while volunteering at my church. Amazing women, who both lost their first borns shortly after birth because of defects. They were women like me, young, middle class, educated. They didn't do anything wrong, it just happened. It's funny, because they thought it was so much worse for me because I had Isabella for 14 months and then she died and I feel the exact opposite! I feel so blessed to have had her for 14 months! I have so many memories of her and pictures and videos, I love it. She was and will always be a real part of our family. Of course the other side always seems worse and I don't think one is actually worse than the other. The loss of a child is the same no matter if you had them for months or minutes.

I'm anxious for when Rollie Pollie gets here. I have so many conflicting emotions and thoughts. I know of course that I will love him just like I love all my babies, but it will be bittersweet. I should have three kids, instead I will have two. It seems lonely, only because one is missing. It wouldn't feel that way if he was really my second. I know Isabella is with us in spirit though. She came to me in a dream recently. She was a beautiful teenager which I thought was so funny. Also, we didn't talk much, I didn't go on and on with the millions of things I want to say to her and ask her. She simply said "I just wanted you to know that I have already met Rollie Pollie and let me tell you, he is a wild one! He will be trouble, but he will be so much fun!" :) I love to think that their souls have already met, Rollie Poilie just won't remember it. I will tell him later about my dream of course and let him know of his big sister's prediction for him :) Now we just have to see if she is right!!!

No comments: