Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Anger is my middle name these days

Seriously, I wouldn't want to meet myself in a dark alley these days. I am not the kind of gal you want to mess with. Angry, angry, angry. Angry at God, angry at family, angry at myself....just ANGRY! The tiniest thing can really set me off lately. I have not been to church since Kingston was born. I've been using him/winter/sickness as an excuse for the plain fact that I don't want to go to His house of worship right now! I am too mad at Him. I know deep down inside that going will be the best way to forgive Him and move on again, but I just can't do it. Not yet. I'm too busy being pissed off for that! I guess I just feel like this shouldn't have happened to me. I mean, of course I feel that way. Who has something like this happen to them and then think "well, I guess I had it coming....." Only the most humble of humans I guess and it ain't me! I don't think I deserved this, Isabella certainly didn't deserve her lot in life and it just plain STINKS! And I want someone to PAY!!!! I want someone, something to blame for this. My daughter should be here dammit. I should be fixing her hair every morning. I should still be making bows and shopping for cute clothes on Ebay! I should be buying dolls and dress up clothes for MY DAUGHTER instead of everyone else's. I could scream! I really could. I absolutely HATE when it's time for someone's birthday it's a girl. I don't want to buy cutesy girl stuff for YOUR daughter. Why do YOU get a healthy daughter??? Why are YOU so freaking special???? Does God love you more than me? Am I not good enough? Was Isabella not good enough??? HUH?

So clearly, I'm very angry.

Also, I'm feeling very guilty. Extremely guilty. So guilty I cried all weekend in secret and could still cry about it now. I have a secret and I feel terrible about it, I really do. For the first time since Isabella's death, I have been thinking of wanting another girl and I feel awful. I can't help it, I truly can't. I've wanted a daughter my whole life (ok, so not my *whole* life, but you get it) and I've been robbed. I still cannot believe I had a daughter and lost my daughter in 14 months. It feels like agony when I think of it. It's not fair......but I still want a daughter. Of course, I just feel like wanting a daughter still is betraying Isabella. Like saying "hey, sorry it didn't work out for you sweetie, but I'll just get a new one....." UGH. Just typing that made me want to puke. It wouldn't be like that, I know. I could have 10 girls and none of them would be Isabella. That's what really sucks........there is no replacing her....no filling that void. It will just ache for as long as I live. Nice, huh? I guess that's my lot in life. Ok, ok, I have plenty of blessings and my whole life is not over because of my sweet Isabella. Some days it just feels like it is, that's all.

So that's it. That's where I am at this day. Feeling sorry for myself and just wishing my sweet girl was here. Her 2nd birthday is approaching and I'm totally dreading it.......she would have been so beautiful and I would have given her everything she ever desired. I hope she knows that. I love you sweet girl and not a second goes by in my life on Earth that I do not think of you and yearn for you so badly my heart physically aches.

Saturday, February 16, 2008


I lost 7lbs in a week! WOOT! (and the boobies are still making the good milk!) Ok, continue with whatever you were doing..........


the skinny girl (eventually)

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I sure didn't see that one coming

My birthday was last week.....yes I am another year older. I'm really not OLD or anything and I actually look forward to my thirties. I mean let's face it, the twenties have SUCKED. Big time. So, my birthday. Well, it was pretty awful and I just didn't expect it. I spent most of the day crying my eyes out and just having a humongous pity party. Why would I miss Isabella so much on MY birthday? I guess any type of celebration-ish day is going to make us miss her even more.

I know what got it started. I woke up that morning, stretched, smiled at my lover baby and glanced up the huge picture we have of our princess above our bed and had a very quiet thought. "I wish I could have you for my birthday." Seems simple enough I guess, but oh how it isn't simple at all. So, nothing that I was given that day really added up to what I really wanted. Bummer. Big bummer. Husband did his very best to cheer me up though and brought me a chocolate mousse cake from La Baguette. Ohmygoodnessitwassofreakingood. Yeah, I had a giant slice and it was worth every single fat gram and calorie. But of course it did nothing for my heart......... If only chocolate could fix my problems! ( I would have been fixed a long time ago if that was the case, I assure you! )

OH! Big news, big news indeed. I started my diet last week. I went ahead and joined Weight Watchers. I guess I need someone to say to me "hey, you aren't losing weight fatty, what gives?" Nothing like shame to make a girl act right. (or in this case, eat right) So I am doing really good and totally motivated. I'm not even starving! Woot! I do get a butt load of points since I am breastfeeding, which helps! OH, and in 4 days I have lost 4 pounds ! WOW! I know that seems like a lot for short amount of time, but have no fear, it will slow down. Trust me. I'm excited though and have even started walking again! Oooowee I am out of shape when walking somewhat fast makes me sore. Pathetic! My goal is to run a 5K by the end of summer and next spring do my first ever half marathon! I can't wait. Of course husband thinks I am completely crazy for wanting to run that far.....shoot, really just for wanting to run period. I don't think he has ran since that time the cops.......oh nevermind.

So that's life in a nutshell today. Tomorrow may be different, I've learned that in my young life. It only takes a moment, a mere second and it can change like you can't believe. I guess that's life though, right? I better go finish making those delish cupcakes before I wax poetic over here. (Yes I am making wonderful, homemade treats for that LOVE DAY and I'm not even going to eat any.....I promise. Maybe one. Or two.) Just kidding!

Saturday, February 2, 2008

A comparison

I was messing around this morning and put three pictures together of all three of my kiddos roughly around the same age in their life. Husband and I think it's pretty funny how we've turned out three different looking kids. How do those people whose kids actually look related do it?? Clearly there are some similarities, but each has their own "look". One consistent theme though is BIG EYES. So here it goes:

Turkey our entertainer (around 4 months):

Isabella our Princess (around 5 months):

And finally Rollie Pollie our peanut (almost 3 1/2 months):

Whew. I've had a lot of babies since 2004! I think my babies are pretty stinkin' cute myself and I can't help but wonder what #4 will look like. #4 you ask? Yes, I'm already thinking..... (now if husband reads this he'll probably have a vasectomy scheduled immediately!)