Monday, August 25, 2008

good news and bad news

So I'll give ya the good news first. My dad is cancer free, yesiree he is! The surgery went great, he is staying with me for two weeks (ohmyholyhellyesheis!) and it's been fine so far. He's a good patient here with me, much better than just after the surgery. Thank you for any and all good thoughts and wishes, they were answered, he is the first colon cancer survivor in his family. WOW.

The bad news: A darling, wonderful, amazing family has had tragedy strike. They are the Nielson family and they live in Arizona. The Nie Nie Dialogues, you know who I'm talking about. Well, she and her husband Christian were in an awful plane crash last week and both are in critical condition with burns all over thier bodies. They have 4 children under 6. Please click that sweet little donate button over there and help with the recovery efforts. Read Nie's blog, she is the most amazing woman, mother and wife. We should all aspire to be just like her in every way. Prayers and sweet thoughts are needed for them, God is listening. Their recovery is expected to take millions, yes millions, so please clickety click. Thank you.

(I totally would have put a little link do dad in there for to click on her blog, but I'm blogtarded so you'll just have to figure it out yourself.) So there.

I don't have much time these days so posting will be sparse, but I have thoughts and emotions running wild. The Nielson's have been on my mind and in my heart, I think about them most of the day right now. Really,their story is so touching, I hope it touches your life as well.

Off to be a nurse and mommy and wife. I'm tired. Very tired.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Emotional rollercoaster, here I come!

My dad had his surgery yesterday and he came out fine, thank goodness. His doctor really took his case seriously and bumped her other surgeries to get him quickly due to our family history. So, the news. Good and bad of course. (Am I ever going to just get GOOD?!?)

Both tumors were removed successfully. She (the surgeon) removed an entire FOOT (holy bajoly!) of his colon and got it all. No colostomy, no complications. Big sigh of relief from all. Now for the bad news. If you recall, she removed a portion of his tumors for a biopsy. Those results came in the day before his surgery and she said it was concerning news. The type of cancer he has is adenocarcinoma, which is most commonly associated with the colon. So the good news is that she got all of the tumors out; gone baby gone. The bad news is that the biopsy, aside from showing the type of cancer he has, it also showed if it's a well differentiated cancer or a poorly differentiated cancer...i.e. slow/friendly cancer or mean/aggressive cancer. Cancer has personality ya'll.

Well, Daddy dearest has one of each. One tumor is kind of stupid and friendly and the other tumor is smart and quick to spread. So, that translates to another week of fretting and nail biting while we await the results of the ever important pathology report of the lymph nodes. I know, a whole stinkin' week.

I will say, that the doctors eyes revealed quite a lot about what she is thinking if the cancer has indeed spread to the ol' nodes. Not good. So we will just have to see. In the meantime she wants my brother and I to get genetic counseling she what were up for in our future. Boy, I just can't wait to see what kind of cancer I'm promised so I can freat and worry and stress over things that have not happened yet. Right. So I may forgo the genetic testing. I haven't decided.

I have already had my first colonoscopy and it was about as much fun as having nails driven through your skull. Although I don't have first hand knowledge of the latter. I am already, in fact, due for my second colonoscopy. Can't wait.

I think I'm just ready to be done with death for a while. Are there some sort of "death quotas" out there?

Of course, most of these emotions take me right back to Isabella's death. It's not a place I like to visit and re-visit very often. If I am totally honest I can say that I have felt anger at those around me who are dying/will die soon. I get angry that they will see her before me. Isn't that totaly craziness? I certainly don't want to die right now, I still have two beautiful boys to raise and love. I just don't want anyone else getting their grubby paws on my daughter before me! She's mine, all mine! Don't even get me started on husband dying before me.............oh my goodness that really lights my fire. I'm a freak.....I know.

So another round of The Waiting Game for me. I will keep you posted. More good thoughts/prayers/vibes, whatever ya got. Please and Thank You!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

sweet boys

My babies.........aren't they precious?
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Thursday, August 7, 2008

Cancer here, cancer there, cancer, cancer everywhere!

When it rains it really does poor doesn't it?

So today I took my Dad to have a colonoscopy...........and of course it just so happens that colon cancer totally runs in my dad's side of the family. I'm pretty sure just about everyone has died of it.............literally, everyone. My dad is the only one left, (well except for my brother and myself of course.)

I'm in my twenties and already I have had my first "screen". Let me tell you, colonoscopies are not fun.

maybe........just not fun.

So, my dad. I waited (with my two kids whining the whole time, gotta love it) and waited and really just didn't expect any kind of bad news. I mean, sure, it had been five years since he'd had his last colonoscopy and yeah, he's overweight, and yeah he never gets his heart rate above...oh, a resting heart rate and it runs in his family. But, still, I live in denial land from time to time and I thought I'd talk to the surgeon and she'd say "everything looks fine!"


I go back there and suddenly my dad looks so fragile and a little scared. I ask how he's feeling and he mumbles something saracastic, like "just great". Then the doctor comes in..........the surgeon and she's a chick so I totally dig that. I love me some chick doctors, they are way better than dude doctors bytheway. She first says, "Well I have some bad news." I think something along the lines of "Of course you do dahling, that's the only kind of news I get." She goes on, "I found a good size MASS in your dad's rectum (oh goody!) and another smaller MASS in his actual colon. They look bad.............they look like, cancer." OK, so I have to admit, when she said the "C" word I almost lost it. Totally almost started bawling my big baby eyes out. I'm not really a crier, espcially in front of others, but this was too much. Again.

Quick like lightening I remember my dad and how my bawling like a freak wouldn't really give him that "comfort" feeling and I also remember my uber sensitive four year old who has already experienced enough emotional devastation for a frackin' lifetime, so I internally slapped myself silly and sucked it up. I got my big girl panties all pulled up! Then I listened to this rockin chick doctor and she made me feel better. A little bit anyways. Listen, I totally know that doctors lie just a little to make patients and their families feel better. I get that.....and I'm OK with it for now.

So, the course of action. First things first, we gotta get my Daddy-O's blood pressure down (don'tevengetmestartedonthatshit), so I scheduled him with his primary tomorrow morning PRONTO! He's gonna hate me when this is all said and done. Next week he'll have a PET scan and then we'll (yes WE) meet with rockin chick surgeon at the end of the week and discuss. He will have surgery to remove those nasty MASSES and we'll go from there. Best case scenario, the cancer is contained in those masses. Worse case scenario is that it's in his lymph nodes. So we wait.............again.

Oh and dad lives all alone, no family besides ME (cancer, remember?) and had nobody. Sad, I know. So I will be taking care of him (which I'm totally OK with that!) I just wish it didn't involve two small children.

I see lots of chanting and lamaze type breathing in my future. Lots.

If you pray, please pray for my dad. He could use a prayer or two.


Friday, August 1, 2008

Bitter? Party for one........

OK, so I've been a smidge bitter lately. Just a smidge. I do not really know why, where it came from and when it's leaving. I really no longer question my myriad of emotions anymore, I just go with it and wait. I know it will pass, I just sit and feel it and wait.

I guess I am just genuinely surprised at the lack of compassion husband and I have received after losing Isabella. I know some folks felt like we had made the decision to not do aggressive life saving procedures for her months before her actual passing and so we must have been totally prepared and at "peace" with it. However we were not totally all. I mean, yes, we were prepared in the sense that we knew she would not live this fantastically long life, at the most, with aggressive medicine, ten years is what we were told. In all honesty, the doctor, the expert felt more like two to three years. We got a little over a year. It was so sudden, her turn for the worse. She had been doing well, eating well, sleeping well, not seizing well and I just didn't see it coming. Much like her diagnosis. Didn't see that coming either.

I also have to admit I put on a pretty brave, strong face. Perhaps it's not just a "face", I do consider myself to be pretty brave and very strong.........but that doesn't mean watching my child die didn't destroy me.......or at least come thisclose to destroying me. It wasn't just hard or difficult, it was infinitely heart breaking. Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Something I will carry with me for the rest of my life and sometimes I think that just sucks.

So I've got a bad case of the bitters. The "nobodyunderstandssowhydon'tIjusteatworms" bitters. I know I'm not alone in this, I know it very well. I have received emails from women all over the world with their stories of heartbreak and untimely loss. In some ways I find it horribly comforting and at the same time I find it horribly awful. It's a real catch-22. I'm glad to have the commraderie, yet devastated that so many of us are "in the club". But we are and we always will be. There are no do overs when it comes to life and death.

So what do I do with my resentment and bitterness? Surely I won't cling to it. I will pray like I always to my Father in Heaven that he will help me through. That I will know his peace and love and that I will make it through this. I cannot live my life angry and bitter. I will not live my life like that.

Coming up!! I will be posting about my total lack of weight loss and I am hoping that by posting just how fat I am, I can possibly shame myself into losing weight? Maybe? Hopefully? Please internet?