Sunday, December 30, 2007

2007 can kiss my..................

that's right. 2007 can just get on out of here as far as I'm concerned. I have no love for this year and it has had no love for me. I've been looking back on this last year a lot this week and it's not pretty. It's devastating actually. 2007 will always be the year my daughter died. Unfortunately for Rollie Pollie it's also the year he was born. Crap. So I guess a small part of the year had some joy......but definitely not enough joy to negate the heartbreak.

Amazingly enough not ONE SINGLE PERSON in my life asked how I was doing during the holidays with Isabella not around. Not one. I still cannot believe it as I type it this very instant. Not one friend, not one family member. Nobody from church, nada. Nobody even mentioned her on Christmas Day, and let me tell you, we saw a lot of people that day. It hurts, it truly does. I guess they have all moved on with their lives. Gee, wish we had that luxury. This Christmas was horrible, I hated every minute of it. However, since I have a merry little three year old I did not get to feel sorry for myself and cry my eyes out everyday like I wanted to. I had to force a smile on my face, act happy and excited for him. We went to the cemetery on Christmas Day and thankfully the christmas tree we decorated and left there for Isabella was still there. Husband and I took our turns sitting on the bench and crying. It was just plain awful. I hated going to all the places we had to go and smiling acting like I am happy and content so others don't have to feel uncomfortable. Especially since all I really wanted to do was scream at everyone "My daughter is dead!!! Gone! Forever! I didn't know last Christmas was my one and only one with her dammit! I want to hate all of you for being so jolly with you happy and healthy kids!" But of course I can't go around screaming that at people. I have to be polite and pleasing. One of these days..........

Turkey did have a great day, albeit an exhausting one. He of course made out like a bandit and now has a million new toys to get bored with in one week. Rollie Pollie got quite a bit too. He is doing so good, such a smiley baby. I don't take a single one of those smiles for granted I tell you. Each one gets a huge reaction from me and makes my heart sing. Oh and he loves to talk! He coos constantly, just like Turkey did as a little one. Which means only one thing! Another chatty cathy! :O Husband cannot wait. Mwahahahhaha. Well, at least they come by it honestly.

Lately I have been remembering things that don't include Isabella and I break down every time. It's so hard to say "remember that day when....." and realize that it was A.D. (after death). That's how everything is catagorized for me now. A.D. and B.D. (before death). Lovely isn't it? I know you're jealous.

Here is something neat I can share. Above our bed we have a big picture of Isabella, it's so beautiful. Well, every morning when Rollie Pollie wakes up, the loves to stare at that picture. Isabella looks so beautiful in it and he loves it. He also smiles at pictures of her and coos at them. I think he knows her and probably sees her all the time. (I'm really not kooky ya'll) ;)
I try and remind myself daily that Isabella is so much happier than she could have ever been here. She suffered so much here and I hated it, but I hate her being gone more. Selfish I know. Husband and I keep hearing that the first year is the far "they" are right. I'm already dreading her 2nd birthday. I think we are going to do a balloon releasing and eat cake anyways, to try and make it a happy occasion and not so depressing......we'll see if that works.

I miss you sweet girl and there is not a moment of my life where you are not on my mind or in my heart. Your pictures are everywhere in our home so that we can always look at you and feel you with us. You are still apart of this family and you always will be. I love you so much, I hope you know that. I hope you are dancing away in your pink tutu that I made for you. I cannot wait to see you again. Love, Mama

Thursday, December 6, 2007

So I've been a little busy

Ok, maybe more than a "little" busy. This guy just doesn't want me to set him down and I *swear* it's not my fault!! Well, ok, it is my fault......but I simply can't help but hold my new fresh babies all the time. *sigh* And once you start......

So, Christmas is quickly approaching and Isabella is on my mind constantly. Not that she isn't always on my mind constantly, because she is, but right now it's more.........intense I guess. I couldn't figure out why I was crying so much the week leading up to Thanksgiving and then it hit me, "oh, it's the holidays". It sucks,no other way to slice it. I am now in the anger phase of my grief, and it's not pleasant. I have been so freakin' snappy and mean lately. I am just so completely furious that Isabella isn't here. That I only have two babies here when I should have three. I hate that when I go out with Jackson and Kingston (which lets face, ain't often at this point!) people assume I only have two children. I hate explaining things and then seeing that look come across people's faces......the look that says "I don't really want to know this or talk about this with you."

I miss Isabella so intensely, it hurts. I'm sad for Jackson, he misses her so much and understands so little. It isn't fair that his little heart has to bear this. It also isn't fair that I will have to explain to Kingston everything and he too will get to experience loss at a young age. At least I'm an adult and have a grasp on things (supposedly anyways),these kids just don't have it. We're going to put Jackson in counseling next spring and I'm hoping that will help him. He's been acting out and regressing a little lately and I'm sure losing his sister is the root of the problem. Plus, add in getting a new baby just 5 months later and it's a lot to deal with! Sometimes I wonder if our family is going to get a break at some's hoping.

Things are good with Rollie Pollie. He's an eating machine, so most of my days are spent on the couch breastfeeding. He's growing though! It's funny, he's six weeks old and doesn't even weigh what Jackson weighed at birth. Yikes! Now that puts Jackson's ginormous size in perspective for me.

My darling Isabella, we miss you so much. We talk about you and to you everyday in this house of yours. I know you know it and you can still feel our love. I still go in your room just to feel you, I love it in there, your little haven. You are missed more than you know and even though I'm not quite sure how we will all get over this or if we ever will get over this, I hope you know that you are never forgotten. I love you and miss you sweet Princess. I'd give my life to hold you one more time and kiss your fat cheeks again. I'm happy you are free of your body and free of all your earthly sufferings. I can't wait to see you again baby girl.....

Ok, I needed to get that out!!! Well, my wormy is squirming in his sling. Gotta go :)