Monday, June 16, 2008

It's been a while.........

I have been on my death bed. Well, not really, but I definitely felt like I was. Somehow I contracted pneumonia of all things and spent the better part of last week feeling like I was dying. (or wishing I was.....) It sucked. Big time.

So, husband and I have changed our minds and we are not going to move. Yet. We will definitely move next Spring, we just decided that now wasn't the right time. Husband will likely be switching jobs next spring, making a lot more money (please, God) and we may have a CITY change or possibly a STATE change in the mix. So we wait. I feel good about it, husband feels good about it, so there you have it. No move. It sucks because we got our house ready to list, moved some stuff out (yeah, really) and even packed some shiz. Damn! Oh well. I'm not un-packing any of it by the way. If I need, I will just fish it out of storage.........NOT dragging it all back out. Makes me shiver just thinking about it.

I have had such a wonderful, welcome peace about Isabella these days. It's so strange to me......I had begun to wonder if I would ever not feel totally devastated by my loss. If I would ever feel joy again. I think I will. I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have just had a lot of revelations recently and I believe God is finally showing me bits and pieces of the "big picture". I mean, Hello? It's about time.

I had some time to think last week (while I was dying in bed for four days and not writhing in agony.......drama much?) and while I was thinking I had this feeling come over me. It's hard for me to explain, and this may sound totally whack-a-doo, but I got this pneumonia out of nowhere. Nobody around me had been ill, I had felt totally fine and WHAM! I was just knocked flat. I have never had pneumonia in my life and while I suffered (because you should know that my insurance was canceled LAST MONTH and I get new insurance NEXT naturally I should almost die like, NOW..........the hell?) this "voice" just spoke inside of me and said "this is a slice of what Isabella went through and what she would have continued to go through if she had lived on." Whoa. Big Whoa. It was like an "A-Ha" moment I guess. I have been torturing myself this last year, wishing Isabella was still here, tricking my mind into thinking she could have lived longer and been healthy. Yes, I truly believe my suffering last week was intentional so that I could see through my sweet girl's eyes what her life would have been like. What her last pneumonia was like. All I can say is, thank goodness she went home when she did. He life was short, yes. But it was so full of love every single day she lived. Her suffering was short.......and I want to be happy for her now. I want to rejoice in the fact that she is living the most beautiful and wonderful existence with her Creator. Her days are perfect and joyful. I know I will get to live that life with her someday, just not yet. I cannot begin to understand why she was born with her condition and why she died when she did, but I have to remain faithful. I have been struggling with this for months and once again, I am coming full circle. I always come back to God, every time, without fail. He has spoken to me and I am still......and listening. Isabella is happy now, free and loving every minute of it. She does not miss me and I have to be OK with that.

Of course, this recent development in my emotional journey does not make me think I'm suddenly "OK" with things or "moving on". I'm simply beginning to make peace with myself, with God and with my life path. I'm certain that I will always carry the grief of losing Isabella with me, it will just be different with each passing year. Life isn't always what you make it, I've learned.......sometimes, or maybe a lot of the times, it just happens. Then you get to decide how you will tackle it. I'm a head on kind of gal I guess......

I'm just starting to feel good again, I'm not 100 percent by a long shot, but thankfully I am not dying. I mean really, I side stepped at least 3 illnesses this last winter when everyone else in my house was sick and then June rolls around, everyone is healthy and pneumonia??? This world is beyond what I can understand, truly. ]

But you know, that once my new insurance kicks in I'll be totally healthy again for years. Figures!