Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Another day

Well, gee don't I sound excited about my "another day"? I am just tired and cranky this morning. Sleeping is no longer comfortable for me, I just heave and ho all night long to change positions. Lovely husband even said at one point "it's so annoying listening to you change positions all night." Right. Because it's extra fun to actually do it. Silly husband, he's lucky I love him so much ;)

The real reason I'm so cranky is because I've had something weighing on my mind and talking about hasn't helped yet, so I guess I'll write about it and see what that does for my peace of mind. And maybe, just maybe someone will read this, encounter someone down the road who has lost a child or will lose a child and will learn from what they read here and not be a complete moron. Maybe.

You see, when Isabella was diagnosed with Lissencephaly we had an outpouring of support, love and help. It was amazing, and almost spiritual. Husband and I just couldn't get over it........people didn't run from us, they ran to us! I will never forget that and cherish it to this day. Now fast forward to NOW and it's another story. It goes something like this: Isabella dies, our family and friends are fantastic the week she dies, then they are GONE. Poof. It's over. It turns out people don't really like it when a baby/child dies. Well, guess what? Neither do the parents! (shocking I know) I swear, if I didn't absolutely know better, I would almost swear that I am the carrier of some terrible, earth shattering plague. At least where people who know me are concerned. I either get the huge, sad, puppy eyes or I get total avoidance. Gee, which is better?? I went to my former workplace a few weeks ago (didn't want to go, I HAD to go) and it was the strangest experience. I mean, these people who rallied around me when I found out about my daughter's disorder scattered like mice when they saw me coming. Four out of the 12 people working said "Hi" to me. Most just avoided me and talked to my three year old. Afterall, he is safe, he won't talk to you about his dead sister. Or so you think.....hahaha. He told of them that he was pregnant like me with his sister and he was bringing her back. Imagine the shocked and horrified faces. I just met every horrified stare with a big smile. Yep. That's my kid! We all talk about death in this family, there is no escaping us!!!!! Ok, so I'm clearly feeling a little sarcastic as well today.

That's not even the worst part. Husbands family is the worst part. It's like Isabella never even existed. She's dead, she's gone, let's move on and keep pretending we're perfect!! That's what we do best! Deny, deny, deny! Thanks to them my husband has a host of fantastic issues when it comes to our daughter. I shouldn't just bag on my in-laws, believe me my family can stink sometimes too, it's just that during this they have been *fantastic*, my mom has been my rock and my dad and brother are even great! My family is just so open and honest that I don't have to be afraid to talk to them or cry in front of them. They didn't ignore Isabella and they don't try to hide her now. But oh my, if I cried now in front of husbands It would not be pretty. Let me just put it to you like this: the last time Isabella was sick with a pneumonia, it was a bad one. So, of course I was upset, because we never knew if "this was it" for her. So husbands emotion-less parents come over (who knows why, it certainly wasn't to provide words of support) and I'm holding my princess on the couch crying. Husbands wise father says "well, you need to just GET HAPPY in the SAME BRITCHES". I almost started choking at his wisdom. I have some little pet names for him, but I won't share them here ;) Anyways, I bit my tongue like I have a million times around that man, because really, what's the point? Oh, and the one and only time I didn't bite my tongue around him was the day we buried our daughter, wise old man offered another "pearl of wisdom" and since I did not agree with him (I never do) I spoke up. Enough was enough dammit! I just buried my daughter you thoughtless jerk! Well, guess where that got me AND husband? Basically disowned. Yeah. Really. Oh, and husband was told to keep me on a shorter leash. MWAHAHAHAHAHA. riiiiiight. So clearly, he really doesn't know me. That's husbands family in a nutshell. I said something wise old man didn't agree with, so now we don't exist and neither does our dead daughter. Well, guess what? She does exist and I will bring her up every time I see your faces just to make you uncomfortable. I guess if husband dies it will be the same thing. "He's gone, let's move on". For the record, if you ever die husband and leave me to fight the wolves that are your family by myself, I will really give it to you in the next life! :) I love you husband, I think I got the only normal one out of your family. Oh, just kidding. His whole family isn't nuts, just 75% of them. His sisters are great too, so I should mention that. It's really his parents, which is what makes it so much harder to handle. I can't imagine facing this without my mom. Much less my mom disowning me days after my daughter died because I said something she didn't agree with. Such is ignorance I guess.

Ok, so there is a real, honest vent to read. I know everyone has crazies in their family and I unfortunately am no exception to the rule. Death brings out the worst in people and I just don't get it. So please, if you know me, don't avoid me. Ask how I'm doing and don't be Afraid of my response. I WANT to talk about Isabella, no I NEED to talk about her. If it makes you sad or uncomfortable, DEAL WITH IT!, or better yet imagine how it makes ME feel. I live with it every second of the day and night. You don't. You just have to feel awkward for a moment, then you get to go back to your happy life, with your healthy kids. I wish my life could be so easy. Losing a child is not a contagious disease, ok? Don't act like it is! You won't "catch it" by being friends with me or asking how I'm doing. I promise. I have never known anyone in my life who has lost a child, I'm the first. Same for husband. We feel very alone in this. It would help a little if you wouldn't scatter or stare when we walk in a room. We are still the same people, just deeply wounded. I still have my same sarcastic sense of humor. I still love my life. There is simply a piece of me missing and if my arm were missing you would still talk to me. It's the same concept. My "arm" is gone and I will always miss it terribly, but it's not coming back.

Ok, time to go enroll Turkey in preschool. OMG. I'll save that for another day.............

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