Thursday, January 31, 2008

Do I ever wonder?

What my life would be like if Isabella were here and "normal"? Sometimes. I would do it more often if it didn't make my heart ache so tremendously. I asked husband last night if he ever thought about it (figured he didn't, being a big surly man and all), but he does. He thinks it sucks just like me. I hate to say it, but when I do think of it, I think of how much *better* my life would be. How much *happier*. There is simply something missing and it's a big thing. My baby, my princess. You just can't fill that void........with anything it seems. Oh, I miss her so much. Last night husband had Rollie Pollie giggling and Turkey was laughing and I was laughing and I had to leave the room because all of sudden I wanted to cry. It's the happy times in our family now that I miss Isabella the most. It's glaringly obvious in those moments just who is missing from our happy little family. I hate that. A lot.

The other day Turkey was talking about "sister" (that's what he always called her......we sometimes joked that he didn't know her real name), anyways he recalled something that happened when Isabella was alive. I was so incredibly happy, simply because I hate the fact that Turkey will forget most, if not all of his memories of her. They had 14 wonderful months together and I don't want him to forget. So I try and talk about her often, but not too often as I don't want to depress him. It's such a struggle, I swear. You don't know if your doing what is right or royally screwing your kids up. I guess I'll just get to wait and watch. Weeee!

So I try not imagine Isabella here, playing with her older brother because it's so painful it's almost suffocating. I only let myself ever so often I guess to simply torture myself. Plus, it's really hard to imagine Isabella "normal" as I never even had a glimpse of that from her. She was never beyond that of a 4 week old motor skills-wise. Just to drive my point home, Rollie Pollie is far more advanced than she ever was and he is 13 weeks old. Yup. My poor, sweet girl who brought so much light to my life had so much suffering and pain.

I wish just once, just for a moment God would let me see my sweet girl in Heaven. Let me see her dancing and free so that I could know that she is OK and doesn't need me anymore. Even though she passed away I am still her mother and I still worry about her. You just can't flip that switch. I would give my life to know she is OK, I really would. Shoot, I would give my life just to hold her again or see what her smile looks like or hear what her sweet laugh sounds like. It's the little things that I would give anything for.

Turkey just asked me why I was crying (that stinker is supposed to be "resting", as if three year olds know what "rest" is) and I said, "I'm just writing about sister" and he said in all his infinite wisdom "it's OK to cry about sister (has he heard that before or what?), she's up the sky with the angels, she's OK." Indeed. Thank you little man for your loving words to comfort mama, I love you higher than the moon and the stars.

I love you too sweet Isabella. Even though you can't read this, I know you know how much love I have for you. You are my heart and soul and I have peace in knowing we will be together again someday. The best things in this life and life beyond are those that make you wait. I love you...........

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

We have waited so long.............

For Turkey to have this. Sibling interaction. Last night I had Rollie Pollie in a Bumbo seat and he looked at Turkey and SMILED. Turkey was tickled pink of course and Husband just beamed at me from across the room. His eyes said "OMG! Did you SEE that??". Indeed I did. Turkey never got that from our sweet Isabella. Of course, Turkey did have the most amazing bond with Isabella, but it was very different from what is going on between he and Rollie Pollie. They are brothers and I simply cannot wait to watch them grow together. Amazing stuff, it truly is.

Well I am yet again at a crossroads in my life. You see I have A.D.D. when it comes to deciding what I am going to do with my life. My purpose I guess. I have such a hard time deciphering what is my own voice and what is God's voice. What does God want for me and from me?? I haven't listened to His voice in the past and have paid the price. I am really trying to learn what the difference is. I'm stuck on a decision......a major one. It has to do with working, making money and time away from my kids. Decisions decisions. First of all, let me just say that I *hate* being away from my kids and could never work Mon-Fri and have them in daycare. I just can't do it. (I also don't think it's right.....but that's another story and would obviously irk some working moms out there.) It's just my humble opinion, that's all. SO, my big decision. I can right or I can plunge and go left. Which way does God want me to go? I have no idea.....and I don't know how to find out. HELP! It's times like this when I want to just call my pastor and say "Hey, can you figure this out for me? You talk to God right?" Oh, if only. I'm sure he'd have some encouraging and insightful words for me, but he wouldn't tell me which way to go now would he? God just needs to come have a cup of coffee with me so we can know about my career choices, why my daughter had Lissencephaly, OH and why she had to DIE. You know, typical coffee talk............

Well, I have to go clean, do laundry, play puzzles, yell, enforce time out, sweep floors, wipe butts, inform certain three year olds that he cannot put his wee wee on little brothers head (I'm not naming names here.....) you know, my mommy duties. I am *so* underpaid. ;)

Monday, January 14, 2008

Food has been my therapy for too long

Yep, you read that right. Food. My arch nemesis, but my ultimate comforter. *sigh* It's way out of hand at this point (my weight that is). Ok, so I've had three babies since 2004 (yeah, you read that right too) and I had a daughter with a rare and lethal birth defect. I buried said daughter while 20 weeks pregnant with baby #3. Just typing that made me wanna reach for the cookies! So, maybe I have reason for being so totally out of control with my eating. It still sucks though.

I use to *love* working out and eating healthy. Not to place blame here, but husband is a terrible, awful, horrible influence on me. I can still vividly remember when we first started "living in sin" and I would get all dressed up to go run and he would sit on the couch and moan as I walked out the door "don't goooooooooooooooo, stay with me! Let's eat some ice cream and watch a movie and have some.....(insert something naughty here)". And I would invariably cave at his googly eyes. That was the beginning of the end for me. The end of a good body, defined abdominal muscles.....defined anything for that matter!!! Then the bottom fell out of my life and that's when everything really spiraled out of control for me. Isabella was born. Six short weeks later I received the worst news of my life and you know what I did? I ATE. Seriously. I can remember it like yesterday. One minute I'm in the ER screaming and crying.....a few short hours later I'm home and STUFFING MY FACE!!!! It was that life is falling apart so I know what I'll do! I'll get FAT! Mwahahaha....I'll show life, that asshole! I'll teach life a lesson by ruining my body! Take that!

Okie Dokie. So it hasn't really panned out like I thought. Life doesn't care if I'm just......goes on. So here I type a big ol fatty pants. NOT FOR MUCH LONGER!!! As I work through my grief, I get a little angrier and the anger is good, it feels nice.......I want to walk that anger out and eventually RUN that anger out. Oh yes, it will feel so nice. Besides, whatever happened to "I'm going to run because my daughter can't?" It inspired so many and now I'm just a big fat butt! Ok, ok, enough of the self defecating remarks. But really, I need to make a come back. For reals yo!!!

Of course I am breastfeeding my little lover man, so it's going to be slow going for the next few months. (grrrrrr) But I can make small changes now. I can't let food guide me and control me anymore. Yes, I lost my daughter. Yes, it still hurts like a motheryouknowwhat. Yes, I want to eat like there is no tomorrow just so I can not feel that pain for a few short minutes. But I won't. I can't. I love myself too much, and I'm tired of hurting myself even more. I'm just making my life more difficult and trying to replace the pain of losing Isabella with the pain of being fat. Duh. How's that for therapy fatty pants?!

So, I'm going to bite the bullet and actually get a therapist!!! Just someone that I can pay once a week and just UNLOAD on them! Hopefully that will help. I just need to verbally get this stuff off my chest and not be worried about making someone else cry (I know it's terrible, but when I dump on someone about my loss and THEY get emotional it really ticks me off!) So a therapist should do me nicely. Maybe that therapist can get chocolate cake off my mind (and ass?) for good!! Maybe. We'll see. It's a start anyways, right?

Besides, Turkey starts pre-K in the fall and I cannot be the fat mom with the mini van alright? I have some MILF in me somewhere, I'm gonna dig her out!!!! Watch out! ;)

I love you sweet Isabella and you still inspire me of my life. You are always with me, keeping my path open and free. You are my forever love.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Hey!! Who farted?

Sunday, January 6, 2008

It's very interesting.............

how watching Rollie Pollie grow and develop normally is making me miss Isabella even more. Of course, I had no way of knowing whether or not this journey with Rollie Pollie would make things easier or harder after losing Isabella while pregnant with him. It's both I guess. I get so much JOY out of each smile he gives (and he gives them readily all the time now) and each wonderfully delicious baby noise. He looks at me, he breast feeds perfectly, he loves the sling, he is reaching for things and he SEES things. All things that Isabella never really did. Experiencing this with Rollie Pollie is beyond words, it truly is, but it also makes my heart yearn for Isabella. I yearn to watch her do these things. Sometimes I try to envision what things would be like if she had been "normal" and was with us today. WOW. My perfect life....snatched away in an instant. Dammit. I'm so glad the holidays are over. What a crappy holiday season it was this year. Good riddance. Hopefully next year I will feel a little more "chipper". Not having Isabella was brutal and the pain of missing her was even worse. My heart just hurts, it's physical, it truly is.

Rollie Pollie is the sweetest thing and just smiles at me every chance he gets. That look of absolute love and adoration a sweet little baby gives mama is the absolute greatest thing in the world. Sometimes now he'll be nursing and if I give him a smile he will pull off and shoot that big toothless grin at me. Gets me every stinkin' time. I could just gobble him up I tell you. Turkey loves him of course.....he's a little jealous, but we are dealing with it. He still talks about Isabella periodically and assumes that when I'm crying, it's because I miss her. He's almost always right. He's doing really well over all with everything. Such a tough kid and a true's been so rough on him and I hate that he's had to go through this nightmare along with Husband and I, but I guess that's life. Man, it sure sucks sometimes though.

I'm looking forward to the spring when I can get out with my boys (how cool that I can type that!) and enjoy nature and beautiful weather again. We always buy a zoo pass to our local zoo every year and make many trips that way each spring and summer. Last spring I took Turkey and Isabella quite a few was so nice. I hope my newest love will enjoy it as well.

So Rollie Pollie takes all of his naps right now in my MobyWrap (, it's the greatest. When I took him for his 2 month check up, they asked where he naps and sleeps ("is he in his own bed yet?") I said "hell no, he sleeps with me at night and in the sling during the day" (with a twinkle in my eye, they know me). She said "OK, but lets work on getting him in a crib." WHY? When did I lose the right to decide how and when my own babies sleep? I love co-sleeping and the sling is fantastic. Rollie Pollie gets to sleep hearing my heartbeat and smelling my smell and I get to do whatever I need to do (within reason of course.) It's perfect. Once again we are back at the "doctors know best" intersection of my life. Whatever. Besides, these doctors change the rules every six months, so who cares. One month it's "do xyz" the next month it's "no wait! that will kill your kid!". So which is it? I just do what feels right for my family and call it good. :)

OK, I've avoided the dreaded laundry monster long enough. sheesh. I really need a laundry fairy for my birthday next month. If you ever find one, send he/she my way!!!