Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Thank God I'm breastfeeding

Or I would be drunk as a skunk every.single.night right now. Just to numb this damn pain. I'm so tired of feeling so sad, so lost, so EMPTY. Oh and let's not leave out poor neglected ANGRY. Yeah, 'cause I'm that too. I'm a lot of things unfortunately and none of them are good at this time.

On the 31st it will have been one year. ONE YEAR WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER. One year without holding her, smelling her, kissing her, feeding her, medicating her, suctioning her, and loving her. Well, of course I still love her, but not in the same physical sense. You know what I mean. Or not.

You know I realized something recently and it broke my heart all over again. One night, I watched this movie ("P.S. I love you", and yes I cried my damn eyes out) and there is this part where the main character realizes that "he's gone, she can't feel him anymore" and I lost it. Because that's just it lately. I don't "sense" her or whatever anymore. For a long time after Isabella died I still felt her in this house and we had some pretty strange things occur that I believe were all Isabella. But lately something had changed and I just couldn't put my finger on it.....but there it was. She is really gone now. I fucking hate that.

I really lost it the night I realized that. I wandered the house just trying to "feel" her.....anywhere. I got nada, zip, zilch. Husband says "that's a good thing". I mean, I guess? Yeah, yeah, I want her in Heaven and to be happy and care-free, but what about me??? What am I supposed to do without her?

Be happy? Move ON?

I just can't do that it seems. Or at least I am really struggling with that. I feel this tremendous guilt at even thinking of "moving on" (which really, how does one do that after burying a child, I'm curious?) I'm probably a little scared as well. Scared to be happy, to feel unafraid again. What if something else happens? I mean, I'd like to think Isabella filled my "dead child" quota for this life, but somehow I don't think that's how it works. I've heard some pretty sad stuff.

I feel like I am not being a good mom these days. I snap, I yell, I curse, I ignore. Not all at once.........well usually not all at once. I hate acting like that, but I feel a little out of control I must admit and I don't know how to handle all this shit. I have these two beautiful boys right here in front of me and all I want to do is mourn the one that died. I just want to lay in bed and cry and yell and sleep. Oh, blessed sleep. But I don't get to do that. I can't decide if that is a good thing or not.

And then there is the actual D-Day. (That's death date to you mere mortals). How do we handle that? Do we lock ourselves inside away from the world and sob our eyes out? Do we celebrate her life? Are we even capable of that? What do we do????? Really, I'm open to suggestions here. I'm at a loss.....this is my first time and all.

So here I sit. Struggling in my battle once again. Maybe at some point things will be on a long least I hope so.

I'm off to bed to get some sleep or what I like to call "not sleep because I'm breast feeding my teething 6 month old all frackin' night long." Damn I'm tired!


Cypress Mom said...

Oh Michelle... my hear just aches for you. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. Please know that I think of you all the time. ((((( HUGS )))))


LoveTheDivaPrincess said...

Michelle I am in tears here, I could not imagine the pain you are going through. I wish I could just come hug you. I will be sure to light a candle for your beautiful angel at church. All my love and prayers to you!