Monday, May 5, 2008

Mothers Day is not my Favorite Day

Two years ago, we received the worst news imaginable three days before Mothers Day. That weekend was so foggy and emotional for me. I had just been handed this disorder and had no idea how to handle it. To say I was depressed would be putting it very mildly. My mom had come over and shoved me out the door with Turkey to spend some time with him and try to enjoy "My Day". Right.

So I robotically (is that a word?) took Turkey to the park to play (It was a beautiful day) and it was an awful experience. As I looked around at the busy park I couldn't help but notice all the joy...the sheer happiness everyone was exuding. Except for me. All these people and their shiny perfect lives, healthy kids, celebrating and rejoicing. Except for me. I spent the entire time crying behind my sunglasses and faking smiles and "hello's". I was beyond miserable. Trapped in a world I never imagined. My life had just been shattered and here I was at the freaking park.

I wanted to enjoy Turkey and take solace in the fact that I had him, but I wasn't ready for that yet. I wouldn't be ready for a while longer. I mean, seriously, it had been three days. Not even close to enough time to process things. I hated Mothers Day.

Last year was a little better. Isabella was on a huge up-swing and Husband had said I could lay like broccoli in bed all day and watch chick flicks. Around 10 am he brought Isabella in the room and said he was about to lay her down for her nap and I said "give her to me, let's see if she'll sleep with me in bed". This may not sound entirely unusual, but for Isabella it was. She hated to be "cuddled" most of the time and preferred laying all alone in a nice bed. I cuddled her up next to and you know what? She slept. Like an angel. Like a normal baby would. She cuddled with me for two whole hours just she and I. I stopped watching the movie and instead stared at her.....studied her.....took her in. Maybe my heart knew the end was soon? Who knows, but two weeks later I suddenly lost her and I was so grateful for that moment in time.

With Mothers Day quickly approaching I'm feeling very heavy and of course, sad. I have my two healthy, wonderful boys of course, but I would be lying to you if I said that was enough. I'm greedy like that I suppose. It's not enough. I want Isabella here's the only thing I want for Mothers Day. The impossible gift.

So for the rest of my life, Mothers Day will also be the same time of year as Isabella's death. Perfect. I will always have to fake a smile and pretend I'm OK for my living, healthy children, but below the surface, I will be crying, wishing my baby girl was here to celebrate this day with me. Like I said, I'm greedy.

Not all Mothers have everything they want on Mothers Day. Some of us are left aching, yearning for something more.

And yes, I am of course grateful for my two healthy boys. I am still blessed and all that. I just don't have everything I should. That's entitlement you smell and I make no apologies for it. I never will either.

I hope every mother who reads this has a wonderful day and I hope you have all of your children with you to hold and love.


Rhonda said...

Hi, It's Rhonda from the journey of motherhood. Just wanted to pop in and tell you I can relate to mother's day. For 2 reasons. I miss my daughter who I lost 10.5 years ago. I wish I too could spend mother's day with all my children. And secondly. my mom. She died last year on mother's day. So now all my mother's day are haunted by the memory of waking up and being told my mother had died through the night.

So hun I'm right there with you. Mother's day just isn't the 100% happy day for me either. ((((HUGS))))

mama to many said...

Thanks Rhonda, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I had no idea! I'm sorry about your mother as well, losing parents is tough, thank goodness I have experienced that yet, but I am watching my mom go through it now. I'm glad you stop by to read!