and I survived. Again. I'm starting to wonder just what it is I'm made of? Something pretty darn tough, whatever it is.
It (the anniversary) wasn't as horrible as I had thought it would be. Her birthday was a lot harder and that surprised me I guess. Nobody called us today and nobody remembered. (except you wonderful internet friends! I wish I could scoop you all up and have you here!) Unfortunately husband and I have come to expect this from our (un-supportive) family. But that topic deserves it's own post, really. I have some real anger issues with our family members as of late........
Husband said something in the car today that really struck me and totally helped me limp a little easier through this day. He said that in all actuality today was a good day for Isabella last year. We are the ones left suffering, but hers is truly over. He even quipped that in Heaven they probably celebrate the day they died, rather than their Earthly birth. I wonder if he's right....? Whatever the case, it sure gave me some peace of mind and really opened up a different view for me. I can get pretty caught up in my loss.
So today we celebrated her. We had a picnic at the cemetery, (sounds morbid, but it wasn't I promise) we brought new flowers for her vase (both real and artificial, pink of course) and a pinwheel from Turkey. I shocked myself and didn't cry. Or sob. I just had a sense of peace and being carried through today. It was a nice change of pace for sure. I really feel like Isabella was with me today.....I felt her holding my heart more than once almost whispering "I'm happy now Mama, don't cry for me, be happy that I'm free now." I know that is what she wants. I just struggle to get there on a daily basis.
I busied myself throughout the day with things around the house and hugged both my boys a thousand times and kissed them a million. I really love those stinkers and they deserve a present and clear mama. I'm working on it........... Again, I know in my heart is what Isabella would want for us.
I tried to not focus on her death today and the time that she died last May completely slipped by me, as I was lost in bathing, singing, hugging and kissing goodnight, my two sweet boys. I think today I made some real progress in my grief and it's ironic how it's been exactly one year. One whole year and I just might start to put my life back together.
It's as though, I can breathe again. A little anyways.
As the years pass, I know this will get easier. In a way that relieves me, but also makes my heart sad.........to know that I will eventually not think of her in every moment. I will get caught up again in life and find joy once more and the sadness will lift. I know this is *good*, but it comes with a price. Just like everything in life, this is no exception.
To my sweet Isabella: Like your Daddy said today, you are rejoicing in your new life today. You are free of your body and all its suffering. You breathe freely, you laugh, you run. Everyday is a happy day for you, surrounded by love with Jesus and I am happy for you my darling. Although not a moment goes by where my heart does not ache for you, I am reminded that you are now so beautiful and at peace, in a way you could have never bee on Earth. I see you in your brothers everyday and my heart sings and cries at the same time. Please watch over your brothers, especially Turkey. He misses you so much and speaks of you daily. His heart is broken too and I know you can hold his like you hold mine. I cannot even imagine the beauty you possess in Heaven and I cannot wait to feel your tiny hand in mine once again and feel the warmth of your embrace. We may not be together as a family here on Earth, but I have no doubt that our day will come in Heaven and our family will be complete again. I love you and miss you terribly. Thank you for helping me today...........