Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Anger is my middle name these days

Seriously, I wouldn't want to meet myself in a dark alley these days. I am not the kind of gal you want to mess with. Angry, angry, angry. Angry at God, angry at family, angry at myself....just ANGRY! The tiniest thing can really set me off lately. I have not been to church since Kingston was born. I've been using him/winter/sickness as an excuse for the plain fact that I don't want to go to His house of worship right now! I am too mad at Him. I know deep down inside that going will be the best way to forgive Him and move on again, but I just can't do it. Not yet. I'm too busy being pissed off for that! I guess I just feel like this shouldn't have happened to me. I mean, of course I feel that way. Who has something like this happen to them and then think "well, I guess I had it coming....." Only the most humble of humans I guess and it ain't me! I don't think I deserved this, Isabella certainly didn't deserve her lot in life and it just plain STINKS! And I want someone to PAY!!!! I want someone, something to blame for this. My daughter should be here dammit. I should be fixing her hair every morning. I should still be making bows and shopping for cute clothes on Ebay! I should be buying dolls and dress up clothes for MY DAUGHTER instead of everyone else's. I could scream! I really could. I absolutely HATE when it's time for someone's birthday it's a girl. I don't want to buy cutesy girl stuff for YOUR daughter. Why do YOU get a healthy daughter??? Why are YOU so freaking special???? Does God love you more than me? Am I not good enough? Was Isabella not good enough??? HUH?

So clearly, I'm very angry.

Also, I'm feeling very guilty. Extremely guilty. So guilty I cried all weekend in secret and could still cry about it now. I have a secret and I feel terrible about it, I really do. For the first time since Isabella's death, I have been thinking of wanting another girl and I feel awful. I can't help it, I truly can't. I've wanted a daughter my whole life (ok, so not my *whole* life, but you get it) and I've been robbed. I still cannot believe I had a daughter and lost my daughter in 14 months. It feels like agony when I think of it. It's not fair......but I still want a daughter. Of course, I just feel like wanting a daughter still is betraying Isabella. Like saying "hey, sorry it didn't work out for you sweetie, but I'll just get a new one....." UGH. Just typing that made me want to puke. It wouldn't be like that, I know. I could have 10 girls and none of them would be Isabella. That's what really sucks........there is no replacing her....no filling that void. It will just ache for as long as I live. Nice, huh? I guess that's my lot in life. Ok, ok, I have plenty of blessings and my whole life is not over because of my sweet Isabella. Some days it just feels like it is, that's all.

So that's it. That's where I am at this day. Feeling sorry for myself and just wishing my sweet girl was here. Her 2nd birthday is approaching and I'm totally dreading it.......she would have been so beautiful and I would have given her everything she ever desired. I hope she knows that. I love you sweet girl and not a second goes by in my life on Earth that I do not think of you and yearn for you so badly my heart physically aches.

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