Thursday, January 31, 2008

Do I ever wonder?

What my life would be like if Isabella were here and "normal"? Sometimes. I would do it more often if it didn't make my heart ache so tremendously. I asked husband last night if he ever thought about it (figured he didn't, being a big surly man and all), but he does. He thinks it sucks just like me. I hate to say it, but when I do think of it, I think of how much *better* my life would be. How much *happier*. There is simply something missing and it's a big thing. My baby, my princess. You just can't fill that void........with anything it seems. Oh, I miss her so much. Last night husband had Rollie Pollie giggling and Turkey was laughing and I was laughing and I had to leave the room because all of sudden I wanted to cry. It's the happy times in our family now that I miss Isabella the most. It's glaringly obvious in those moments just who is missing from our happy little family. I hate that. A lot.

The other day Turkey was talking about "sister" (that's what he always called her......we sometimes joked that he didn't know her real name), anyways he recalled something that happened when Isabella was alive. I was so incredibly happy, simply because I hate the fact that Turkey will forget most, if not all of his memories of her. They had 14 wonderful months together and I don't want him to forget. So I try and talk about her often, but not too often as I don't want to depress him. It's such a struggle, I swear. You don't know if your doing what is right or royally screwing your kids up. I guess I'll just get to wait and watch. Weeee!

So I try not imagine Isabella here, playing with her older brother because it's so painful it's almost suffocating. I only let myself ever so often I guess to simply torture myself. Plus, it's really hard to imagine Isabella "normal" as I never even had a glimpse of that from her. She was never beyond that of a 4 week old motor skills-wise. Just to drive my point home, Rollie Pollie is far more advanced than she ever was and he is 13 weeks old. Yup. My poor, sweet girl who brought so much light to my life had so much suffering and pain.

I wish just once, just for a moment God would let me see my sweet girl in Heaven. Let me see her dancing and free so that I could know that she is OK and doesn't need me anymore. Even though she passed away I am still her mother and I still worry about her. You just can't flip that switch. I would give my life to know she is OK, I really would. Shoot, I would give my life just to hold her again or see what her smile looks like or hear what her sweet laugh sounds like. It's the little things that I would give anything for.

Turkey just asked me why I was crying (that stinker is supposed to be "resting", as if three year olds know what "rest" is) and I said, "I'm just writing about sister" and he said in all his infinite wisdom "it's OK to cry about sister (has he heard that before or what?), she's up the sky with the angels, she's OK." Indeed. Thank you little man for your loving words to comfort mama, I love you higher than the moon and the stars.

I love you too sweet Isabella. Even though you can't read this, I know you know how much love I have for you. You are my heart and soul and I have peace in knowing we will be together again someday. The best things in this life and life beyond are those that make you wait. I love you...........

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