OK, so I've been a smidge bitter lately. Just a smidge. I do not really know why, where it came from and when it's leaving. I really no longer question my myriad of emotions anymore, I just go with it and wait. I know it will pass, I just sit and feel it and wait.
I guess I am just genuinely surprised at the lack of compassion husband and I have received after losing Isabella. I know some folks felt like we had made the decision to not do aggressive life saving procedures for her months before her actual passing and so we must have been totally prepared and at "peace" with it. However we were not totally prepared...........at all. I mean, yes, we were prepared in the sense that we knew she would not live this fantastically long life, at the most, with aggressive medicine, ten years is what we were told. In all honesty, the doctor, the expert felt more like two to three years. We got a little over a year. It was so sudden, her turn for the worse. She had been doing well, eating well, sleeping well, not seizing well and I just didn't see it coming. Much like her diagnosis. Didn't see that coming either.
I also have to admit I put on a pretty brave, strong face. Perhaps it's not just a "face", I do consider myself to be pretty brave and very strong.........but that doesn't mean watching my child die didn't destroy me.......or at least come thisclose to destroying me. It wasn't just hard or difficult, it was infinitely heart breaking. Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Something I will carry with me for the rest of my life and sometimes I think that just sucks.
So I've got a bad case of the bitters. The "nobodyunderstandssowhydon'tIjusteatworms" bitters. I know I'm not alone in this, I know it very well. I have received emails from women all over the world with their stories of heartbreak and untimely loss. In some ways I find it horribly comforting and at the same time I find it horribly awful. It's a real catch-22. I'm glad to have the commraderie, yet devastated that so many of us are "in the club". But we are and we always will be. There are no do overs when it comes to life and death.
So what do I do with my resentment and bitterness? Surely I won't cling to it. I will pray like I always to my Father in Heaven that he will help me through. That I will know his peace and love and that I will make it through this. I cannot live my life angry and bitter. I will not live my life like that.
Coming up!! I will be posting about my total lack of weight loss and I am hoping that by posting just how fat I am, I can possibly shame myself into losing weight? Maybe? Hopefully? Please internet?