Saturday, April 12, 2008

A step.....

Today we took a step. A baby step. We moved our computer and desk out of the den and into Isabella's old room. And I didn't breakdown. Not once. I actually feel really OK with it and nice. Right now, as I type, I am sitting in the dark, drinking a nice cold beer (it's heaven on earth I tell you) and blogging in my sweet girls room. I like it, it's peaceful. Her room has never been off limits since she passed away. I have the diaper changing table in here still for the sole purpose having a reason to come in her every single day, several times a day. In the early days after Isabella passed away it made my heart very heavy to come in here, but now I find peace. I decorated her room with such love, it still means something to me and to husband. I can see the bouquet of dried roses from her funeral hanging on the wall. A plate I made for her that was a gift her first Christmas....I wrote "Isabella: A real life Princess" on it. I can see a hook with the only hat I ever bought for her hanging from it....she never wore it, she hated for her head to be touched....I mean, really hated it. In her crib is the only toy she ever showed any interest in, it's a green lizard thing from Baby Einstein. She knocked it over a handful of times ON PURPOSE, which was freakin' huge for her. No child of mine will ever play with that. Period. There are about a million different little things that say "Princess" on them in here. I realize that a lot people in this world refer to their daughters as "Princess", but I don't care. To me, it's only meant for my sweet Isabella. Every morning when I heard Isabella stirring in her crib I would open the door and in my best sing-song voice I would say "Good morning Princess!". She loved that. So did I.

Of course, we've had several family members ask us when we are going to "change" it, I guess they mean take her bed down and get rid of all signs of her living here with us. Well guess what? We're not going to....maybe not ever. What do you think of that family? As it turns out, we don't care what you think. Ironically enough, nobody else in either of our families has ever lost a child. Not one. Husband and I get to be the first. Lucky us. Now we're kind of like lepers....and everyone has advice for us on what they think we should do. How we should be handling this loss. You know what? If you are reading this and you've never lost a child (thank your lucky stars by the way, for you are indeed lucky) if you ever happen to meet someone who has or will someday, please, please, please keep your mouth shut and offer support. That's it. Maybe send one of those cards that says something poetic about God and his "plan", but don't offer "words of wisdom"...chances are your wisdom will be misguided and hurtful even though it's not your intention. One of these days I'll get all ranty and write down my list of things you should never, ever say to parents experiencing a tragedy. Oh, how I could go on. I could write a book I tell you. Maybe I will. It will be called "oh shut up already!" I'm kidding. No I'm not.

So I like our new "office"/Isabella's room. It's not bad. And now the den is devoted entirely to toy mayhem. Turkey is in looooove. Gosh I love that silly boy. He's taken to saying "butt-hole" lately. He put two and two together and thinks he invented the word. Hm. I can't help it, it's so darn hilarious when he says it. I'm terrible, I know. I try to be a good mom and not encourage naughty behavior, but I have such a morbid sense of humor and an almost four year old saying "Oh my butt-hole itches!" is hi-lar-i-ous, no matter how you slice it folks! And I mean really, you can't get more literal than "butt-hole", it's a hole in your butt for crying out loud! I haven't said "butt-hole" since I was like, I don't know, TEN or something so he didn't hear it from me. Unfortunately he's more likely to hear something worse than that out of my mouth....like I said, I'm terrible.

So there you have it, I went from my sweet girl, to my potty mouthed little boy in two seconds flat. That's how my mind works.......really.

Isabella, I love you so much and I know you are always with us. We think of constantly and you will never be replaced or forgotten. I love you baby girl. Take care of your brothers, they love you so much (especially that Turkey). Goodnight my Princess.

4 comments:

chrissy said...

Michelle, your a rock! Yup that's one of those things you want to say "oh shut up already" to people. Kick me lol! I love your blog, I love reading about your Princess and the boys. I love your sense of humor, we are so much alike with the way we think and talk :) I'm having a cold beer right now. Have a great night!

Krista said...

Michelle, I'm from the Journey of Motherhood forum on Delphi and I have just read your entire blog. I followed your journey somewhat on Delphi and now, here, and I just want to say thank you for sharing it. Thank you for sharing something so intimate and wonderful and heartbreaking. I'm so sad your baby girl isn't with you. And so glad you have two fantastic little boys! (I have two boys myself). I will keep reading. I've got you bookmarked now. ;)

mama to many said...

Hi Chrissy! I'm so glad you enjoy my blog and my thoughts! I hope you enjoyed that beer, I know I did! ;)

mama to many said...

Hey there Krista! I "know" you :) I'm glad you are reading and enjoying it. It's hard sometimes to share this stuff, but hey, it's awfully theraputic for me, so I guess that's all that matters. :)