to Isabella's birthday. Thursday is just looming ahead and looming and looming and did I mention that it's looming?? If you haven't figured out that I use a little bit of sarcastic humor to deal with my shiz.....then you just aren't the sharpest tool in the shed. Sometimes my "approach" offends people, but then you have to ask yourself "does Mama to Many care?" Indeed I do not. I am me and that is what makes me, ME man! When your sweet daughter is born with a rare and incurable horrific disorder called Lissencephaly and then dies, you can deal with it however you like. Or not deal with it. (which I don't recommend by the way.)
So the birthday. My sweet, beautiful girl. I've had a certain peace about it the last couple of days and I know it's because of her, my Isabella. I was spiraling into the depths of a deep depression the last two weeks and right when I needed it most, I felt calm again. That's her.....working her sweet girl magic on her sad broken hearted mama. Oh how I miss her sweet face, her soft smell and to die for lullaby coos. I miss our "chats" in the morning and I even miss feeding her slowly, oh how slowly, all day long.
We plan on going to the cemetery that day, because we like the cemetery where she is buried. It's truly a beautiful place and that's why we chose it. That's where 'ol husband and I will be buried (with her in between us, talk amongst yourselves about that) and hopefully not anymore of our children. I'm making the Hummingbird Cake I mentioned earlier this week, it's a southern thang ya'll, and it's delish! It's my Grandma's recipe and all her recipes are finger lickin' good! It does hold some sentimental significance of course, it's main ingredient is mashed bananas, Isabella's most favorite food. That girl wouldn't eat anything solid except mashed bananas. She would eat those with gusto! Sweet thing! So we'll take our cake out there, cry a little I'm sure, have a picnic, eat cake and release all those glorious pink balloons to her (another favorite of hers, she loved balloons!)
I really do want to try and make that day a positive one for us. Her BIRTH was amazing and joyful and nothing can erase that for us. I want to always celebrate that day, because no matter what, I did have her for 14 months. Not nearly long enough, but it's all I got. What else can I do? Except try and hold on to the small and beautiful moments of her life.
I of course am not all positivity, but I'm trying OK? I could go on and on about how I want her here, how I'm more than a little pissed at how this world works and how I keep having daydreams where Isabella is a healthy and vibrant blond haired, blue eyed princess and twirling around at her second birthday. But that wouldn't be healthy now would it?
Like I said, I'm trying. Just for you Husband, you big surly man! I love you honey-sugar-stinky-pants. (that's right, now the world knows!) I have got to, got to, GOT TO be there for my two boys. For my future child(ren) OHMYGOSHDIDIJUSTTYPETHATYESIDID.
The birthday, it is coming and I am waiting. If you are the praying type, keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I hope it's a good day and Oh, while your at it, ask the Big Guy if he could stop all this rain non-sense that is supposedly going to happen on Thursday. I mean, seriously, we deserve a break here!