Friday, March 28, 2008
I remember the day I gave birth to my sweet girl like it happened yesterday. That's how all of my memories of her are....super sharp, like it all happened just moments ago. Thank goodness my brain realizes I need this.
I was set to be induced on April the 3rd at 8 am but had been told to call The Womens Center to double check at 6 am in case they had a lot of spontaneous labors overnight. Unfortunately for me I had decided to eat McDonalds the afternoon for lunch around 3 pm and got food poisoning. Yeah, food poisoning. SO, I was up ALLNIGHTLONG pooping my brains out (yeah, I know it's TMI, but it's a part of the story alright?) Finally at 4am I woke up to start getting ready for the induction, wondering if I would be able to do it since I was so ill. I showered and had a nice big puke fest (you should realize by now I'm not cutting the gore here folks) and immediately felt so much better. (ask me if I've had a McChicken sandwhich in two years......) So I call The Womens Center and lo and behold, they had a bazillion births over night (yeah, a bazillion) and they didn't think they could induce me. I was not a happy girl......at all. I was ready to meet my Princess! I had waited for so long to have my girl and I was ready. I tell husband and he's not happy either. He's considering just showing up and demanding induction. Yeah, OK. So we wait. And wait. Finally at 8:30 they call and say my OB decided to go ahead and do me but canceled all her others. Funny....all her "others" oh the modern days of having babies right? (I should tell you at this point since I'm all "hippie" now and give birth naturally.....I had let this OB convince me that Isabella was HUMONGO and that if I didn't deliver her immediately I would get a C-Section. I'm no longer that stupid you should know.) So we get Turkey settled with my MIL and we're off to the races. Blah, blah we get there, get hooked up, you know the drill. Boring details. Then we wait, the not so fun part.
I just remember feeling so excited. One of my good friends Molly was doing her clinicals for nursing that morning in OB so we chatted with her for a while, various family members came and went. We just soaked up the moment. The quiet. Husband and I talked alone for a while about how things were about to change. No more only child for sweet little Turkey, who was all of 20 months old at the time....a baby really. My heart aches for him in the days to come after Isabella's birth........we just had no idea.
Giving birth is just my absolute favorite part of pregnancy. The adrenaline you feel, the sheer terror at what you are about to put your body and psyche through....it's the most amazing thing I'll ever do with my body.
I do remember the nurse at one point putting an oxygen mask on me because I guess Isabella's heart rate kept dropping, but she wasn't concerned, so neither was I. So I dutifully took hits of O2 until she said everything was fine. Soon after that it was time to push.....I could tell somehow, even with the epidural and asked the nurse to "check me". Sure enough, the moment had arrived. I gave a "practice" push and the nurse yelled "STOP, she's coming!" Um..yeah, sure, I'll just flippin' hang out while you screw around and get the doc......no hurry, alright? I mean it's totally comfy with my legs in these stirrups and THISHUMANHEAD forcing its way out of my vagina. I'm fine, really........
My OB walked in pretty leisurely now that I think of it......casually glanced at my crotch-o-rama and said "Oh my! She IS ready!" (and people wonder why I went with a midwife for baby #3, hmph!)
My sweet girl was delivered by two short pushes. My first thought and words out of my mouth were "Oh my god she has blond hair ! She can't have blond hair!" Then we all laughed while I nuzzled my sweet girl and took her in. My breath, my own life, squirming and screaming in my arms. Oh the wonder of it all.
I remember that night husband went home to take care of little Turkey while I stayed with Isabella in the hospital alone. I had requested an early discharge (I loathe staying in the hospital,I find it so depressing even in joyful conditions). That night with her is still one of my most treasured memories with Isabella. Before I knew. Before our lives fell apart right before our eyes, while we just stood there, mouths agape, knowing we were completely and utterly helpless to stop it. She was so sweet that night........so quiet and content. Such a little girl, all that I had longed for. I stared at her for hours that night in pure ecstasy thinking of the years I would have with my daughter. Planning out her life and our relationship. We would be best friends you see. She would talk about boys to me, ask for my advice. We would shop together, decorate together. I was going to watch her dance and make precious tutu's for her to dance in. I would soak up all the girlyness and relish in it. I had no idea in those moments. I would have no idea for 6 more weeks. Until the awful seizures started and would steal my dreams in an instant. Crush my heart and soul in a way that is un-fixable on this Earth. This night was mine and hers. I would wonder why she didn't breastfeed well and the nurses would tell me it was fine. She was tired afterall. When you want things to be OK, you'll believe anything. I know.
Her birth was the only thing that came easy in her life, so I will always cherish it. No matter what ugliness and suffering came after that day, her BIRTHday will always remain beautiful to me. Is it because I can still remember what my life felt like before Lissencephaly tore it in two? Perhaps. But I think that is OK. I wouldn't trade my experience with Isabella for a million dollars. She changed me forever in the most awesome of ways. Now if I can just get my heart to listen.........
On April 3rd, if you can, think of my sweet girl. She would have been two next Thursday and believe me, my heart knows it.
I love you Princess and I miss you more than you know.
Posted by mama to many at 6:54 PM