Sunday, March 30, 2008


So I guess I'm struggling with this part of my grief. It sounds strange and maybe it is strange, but I don't think I've fully accepted that Isabella is really gone. Of course I *know* she died, I watched it with my own eyes, while she laid in my arms in the bed I still sleep in every night. It's not like I think she's coming back or anything crazy like that....

I'm just not sure how to explain this part of my crazy brain. Acceptance......stinks.

Husband, bless him, thinks I need to let her go. I think this is absolutely crazy (love you darling!) and I don't agree. Husband forgets a lot that he's a man and I'm a woman, so we don't really deal with anything in the same way. Sometimes I think he's not dealing with it "right", but I don't guess there is a supreme way to get through just have make it through however you can. It's more complicated for me and I'll tell you why. I carried this beautiful creature in my WOMB for 10 months (let's be honest here folks, 9 months is a LIE) connected to her in the most intimate way two humans can ever be connected (yes, more than SEX, way more in fact) and then I gave birth to her. I loved her, I poured my heart, love and sweat into her When she came into this world she went straight to my open arms and that is exactly how she left it. I never left her side. She's my child, she is ME and I am HER. We are CONNECTED people. You can't just LET THAT GO. Or at the very least, I cannot let that go. I shouldn't have to dammit!

I know husband is just concerned because I seem to be focusing a lot lately on her death and he's right. I understand that can get very unhealthy, very quickly. It's just that the closer I get to the one year mark, the more I think of it. Perhaps I am just finally dealing with her actual death. That may also sound strange, but when she died I just turned into a zombie. Really. Last summer is a complete and utter black out for me. You may have seen me and thought to yourself "man, she's handling it really well, good for her" but I was on Stepford-mode man, total robot. Now I'm coming out of the fog, and while it sucks like you wouldn't believe, it also feels good in a sick way to deal with these emotions. I have to. Now if you were to see me you'd probably think "damn, she looks terrible! Like her daughter just died or something."'s just sort of hitting me. I don't know if this how it works for everyone who loses a child, but it's how it's worked for me.

This just isn't supposed to be my life. It's not what I planned and certainly not what I envisioned for myself. I should have three kids and I should be throwing a girl-pink-puke fest second birthday next weekend. But I am not. I will be eating Hummingbird Cake at a cemetery instead and releasing pink balloons to the sky and feeling sorry for myself. Oh, and I've been off my diet for two weeks's that for emotional eating??? You like that? I'm going back on it tomorrow, no worries. I just had to eat a little ok? It made me feel better for like 30 seconds, so it's not worth it. But I did eat some good food. Mm.

No comments: