Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Did I think it wouldn't come back or what?

So of course, I've been on an upswing (hence the lack of blogging) and there is only one way to go when you are up right? Doooown. Not that I've been in the pit of hell again, thank goodness. I've just been feeling morose lately.

If fact, yesterday I had the boys in a my new sparkley double jogging stroller running (trotting) and I just started sobbing. While running (trotting). I just miss my girl so much. Every minute.

Watching Rollie Pollie grow and flourish has done amazing things for my heart and soul. Just last week he was standing at some toy and he turned his head to smile at me and my heart stopped. I just saw a glimpse of Isabella......of how she would have looked playing and smiling at me. I've tried so many times to imagine what she would have been like and I guess I lack the skills, because I cannot even fathom a life for her that is not full of illness, seizures and total non-development. When I think of her, I think of her the way she really was, not the way I hoped she be........

On a better note, I have in fact been working out again (finally!) and I love it! I am finally starting to get myself back after all these hard years and it feels fantastic. I'm re-discovering me............not the mama, not the wife, just me. Where have I been? Having babies, losing a baby, having another baby, cleaning, cooking, wiping butts, taking names. Oy vey. It's good to come back to myself. Of course I'm still a mama, a wife and a butt-wiper, but I need to be ME as well and I sometimes (ok all of the time) forget that.

I have so much love in my heart for my sweet boys......I find myself everyday just staring at both of them in wonder. Rollie Pollie laughing, crawling, feeding himself, sitting UP! All of it seems like such a gift, such a miracle after Isabella. When a healthy child or children is all you know, you just take those things for granted. Of course they can sit up! Of course they can crawl/cruise/walk, Hello? Well, I've learned not every baby does those things. Not by a long shot. I took it for granted too. Now I know. It's a gift, it's luck, it's something you cannot see/touch/smell. You either get it or you don't. I have both, the good and the bad. Some only get good, some unfortunate souls only get the bad.

So I'm in a low spot again and that's OK. I know I'll come out of it, I somehow always do. The Rascals and I are taking a little weekend getaway and I'm excited.....well except that the highs are 105. Yes, that says ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE DEGREES. Ay yi yi! It should still be fun at least for the boys. We all need a little break so that we can come back revived and march on. Isabella wants that for us, that much I know.

Isabella, I'm still here and you are still there. I miss you, miss you like crazy and then some. You are always with me, in my mind, my thoughts, my actions, my heart. Loving you sweet girl, Mama

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