Sunday, December 30, 2007

2007 can kiss my..................

that's right. 2007 can just get on out of here as far as I'm concerned. I have no love for this year and it has had no love for me. I've been looking back on this last year a lot this week and it's not pretty. It's devastating actually. 2007 will always be the year my daughter died. Unfortunately for Rollie Pollie it's also the year he was born. Crap. So I guess a small part of the year had some joy......but definitely not enough joy to negate the heartbreak.

Amazingly enough not ONE SINGLE PERSON in my life asked how I was doing during the holidays with Isabella not around. Not one. I still cannot believe it as I type it this very instant. Not one friend, not one family member. Nobody from church, nada. Nobody even mentioned her on Christmas Day, and let me tell you, we saw a lot of people that day. It hurts, it truly does. I guess they have all moved on with their lives. Gee, wish we had that luxury. This Christmas was horrible, I hated every minute of it. However, since I have a merry little three year old I did not get to feel sorry for myself and cry my eyes out everyday like I wanted to. I had to force a smile on my face, act happy and excited for him. We went to the cemetery on Christmas Day and thankfully the christmas tree we decorated and left there for Isabella was still there. Husband and I took our turns sitting on the bench and crying. It was just plain awful. I hated going to all the places we had to go and smiling acting like I am happy and content so others don't have to feel uncomfortable. Especially since all I really wanted to do was scream at everyone "My daughter is dead!!! Gone! Forever! I didn't know last Christmas was my one and only one with her dammit! I want to hate all of you for being so jolly with you happy and healthy kids!" But of course I can't go around screaming that at people. I have to be polite and pleasing. One of these days..........

Turkey did have a great day, albeit an exhausting one. He of course made out like a bandit and now has a million new toys to get bored with in one week. Rollie Pollie got quite a bit too. He is doing so good, such a smiley baby. I don't take a single one of those smiles for granted I tell you. Each one gets a huge reaction from me and makes my heart sing. Oh and he loves to talk! He coos constantly, just like Turkey did as a little one. Which means only one thing! Another chatty cathy! :O Husband cannot wait. Mwahahahhaha. Well, at least they come by it honestly.

Lately I have been remembering things that don't include Isabella and I break down every time. It's so hard to say "remember that day when....." and realize that it was A.D. (after death). That's how everything is catagorized for me now. A.D. and B.D. (before death). Lovely isn't it? I know you're jealous.

Here is something neat I can share. Above our bed we have a big picture of Isabella, it's so beautiful. Well, every morning when Rollie Pollie wakes up, the loves to stare at that picture. Isabella looks so beautiful in it and he loves it. He also smiles at pictures of her and coos at them. I think he knows her and probably sees her all the time. (I'm really not kooky ya'll) ;)
I try and remind myself daily that Isabella is so much happier than she could have ever been here. She suffered so much here and I hated it, but I hate her being gone more. Selfish I know. Husband and I keep hearing that the first year is the far "they" are right. I'm already dreading her 2nd birthday. I think we are going to do a balloon releasing and eat cake anyways, to try and make it a happy occasion and not so depressing......we'll see if that works.

I miss you sweet girl and there is not a moment of my life where you are not on my mind or in my heart. Your pictures are everywhere in our home so that we can always look at you and feel you with us. You are still apart of this family and you always will be. I love you so much, I hope you know that. I hope you are dancing away in your pink tutu that I made for you. I cannot wait to see you again. Love, Mama

No comments: