Saturday, September 8, 2007

Tossing and turning

I can't sleep..........again. I swear, I have spent the majority of this pregnancy, not sleeping. Very different from my previous two pregnancies, as I could have slept all day and night with those. Of course, nothing with this pregnancy is the same, so I shouldn't really be surprised that I am tossing and turning every night. Well, almost every night.

It's been a really rough couple of days with Isabella. My periods of where I am doing really good are getting longer it seems, so that must be a good sign. Or I hope it is, I don't really know. Husband said the other day that he thinks he is doing better than me because I still cry about her a lot. I think that is totally wrong, but I'm a woman and he's a man, and that means we don't agree. ;) I just miss her. It's that simple. I don't have anything more to say than that. I want to hold her again and kiss her again. I don't think anyone really understands how much of myself I gave to Isabella. How hard I fought for her and because of her. How every night I would lay her down in her bed and know that it may be the last time I saw her alive. I would kiss her a million times and tell her how much I loved her just in case it was. Every night......for 14 wonderful months. It's so strange to me that it's over. My brain just can't seem to compute it yet. I asked husband if he ever thought it wouldn't feel strange to not have her here with us and he said "I doubt it." Me too. It still seems very strange to me that I will not watch Isabella grow up here on Earth. I will not ever see her running towards me, or hear her say "mama". It's just plain unfair! Sometimes, when Turkey throws one of his now infamous tantrums, where he literally hurls himself to the floor and screams "it's not fair!" I think to myself, "your right, it's not, it's not fair for any of us" and wish that I could hurl myself on the floor right next to him. Of course if I did that, at this point in my pregnancy, I wouldn't be able to get back up unless husband was around, who would probably be on the phone with the looney bin. Hey, at least Turkey would find it amusing. Or terrifying. Ha.

I'm really getting tired of the comments from family lately on how "wonderful" it will be for me once Rollie Pollie gets here. Like he's a replacement child for Isabella or something. Yes, because once Rollie Pollie arrives, I will just magically forget my daughter and "MOVE ON". Listen, I'm not ever going to "move on" from Isabella. I'm sure my feelings and thoughts on Isabella will change. I'm sure that I won't have this horrible heart ache everyday, forever. (or at least I hope not) I'm sure I will be happy again and my family will be happy again. HOWEVER, I will never, ever, leave Isabella behind. She is still my daughter. She is still Turkey's little sister and Rollie Pollie's BIG sister. (When I say BIG, I mean it, our girl was HUGE!) ;) Isabella's death does not change the relationship. Yes, it changes the dynamic of our relationship with her, but she's still who she was to us. I have to laugh to myself though, because I know it's not their need for US to move on, it's their need to move on. Too bad. As long as you are apart of my life, and coming to my home, you'll see Isabella and hear about Isabella. Always. If you don't like................well, I'm sure you know exactly where you can go without me even having to type it out. :O

I've really started to feel Isabella with me lately. I think she is trying to help me the way that I helped her while she was with us. I know she wants me to be happy, even if it is without her. I know she wants me to love Rollie Pollie, just like I love her. I hate that I feel guilty every time I get excited about Rollie I am betraying her. Of course, my logical self knows that is ridiculous, and that if she were still here, then I wouldn't feel that way. Of course I'd feel guilty that Rollie Pollie was about to take time away from Isabella. *sigh* Mothering has to be the most guilt inducing job EVER. No matter what you do, you feel guilty for something. It's never enough I guess.

Oh, I have to mention that I have some really incredible friends. I thought two friends of mine were having a housewarming party earlier in the week because they just moved in together. I had planned on going for a week and was really excited about it. Then of course, that afternoon, grief strikes and I'm a mess. A wreck. Really hating life. So I cancel, that way I can be totally pathetic and really feel sorry for myself. BAD, BAD idea!!!! One my friends calls me to see if I'm really not coming, I say "yeah" and she says, "well, the problem is that it isn't really a housewarming party, it's a SURPRISE BABY SHOWER FOR YOU!" I felt like the world's biggest BOOB ever! So of course I rushed of the couch (well, I Heave/ho'd) and was out the door in 1 minute. No make up, no fixed hair. Nothing. Those girls are SO sweet and went all out for me. :) Balloons, TONS of food, punch and cake, streamers and a gift :) I had so much fun, I stayed out until 10 pm! (I know, 10 pm is soooooo late, right?) Anyways, if you gals read this silly blog of mine, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I really needed that and I will never forget it. Hands down, the best shower EVER. :) Plus, I have to thank you Miss Thang for the picture of Husband and I that I had never seen, from when we were a hot, young couple. Wow. Husband and I keep laughing over it, and it now has a home on the front of our fridge to remind us of who we were and how we can get back there! :) (minus the copious amounts of alcohol!) ;) I really can't believe I ever looked that young and carefree!! It was beyond fun to "remember when".....I have been doing that ever since that night. Oh, and Miss M. I hope you had fun with the helium!!!

Ok, I feel better now. Writing is so very theraputic. Oh, Rollie Pollie must feel better too, he's kicking up a storm. What a nice feeling. Ok, I need to try and sleep some more. Turkey's first soccer game is today and did I ever mention that I'm the head coach? Yes, me. Nevermind that birth is becoming increasingly imminent, I can still run! Ok, waddle really quick-like, but you get it. Wish us luck. GO LIONS!!!!

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