Monday, September 24, 2007

Here we go again...

Well, I seem to have the most trouble on these little "month" anniversaries. I am now approaching the 4 month anniversary of Isabella's passing. Man, this just really sucks. I try to be positive, I try to say things like "well, she's not suffering anymore, that's what is most important." I don't always feel that way though. She was my baby....correction, she IS my baby and I usually just want her back. Now that she is gone I feel very selfish. It's like I no longer care that she was clearly miserable here on Earth and probably always would be. At I had her in my arms though.....and could smell her and kiss her. Shortly after Isabella passed away I was giving Jackson a bath and accidentally used her bubble bath (she had her own and Jackson had his own)....well, the smell just about knocked me over. It was so raw, so her I couldn't stand it. I immediately changed the water and put the remaining bubble bath in her closet so I could smell it anytime I wanted. I still go in there and pull it out on tough days, just to remember her smell. Her clean smell anyways.....she had other smells of course ;)

We went to the cemetery today hoping that the bench we bought would be up, but alas it is not. By the weekend, they promise. We'll see. We are going to the pumpkin patch this weekend to pick pumpkins for Isabella's grave (what an awful word right?) and to put up her new fall flowers I bought last week. Husband also requested a maple tree (my favorite) be planted by the bench this fall, for shade and beauty. It's so funny whenever we go out there, I look at my own plot and think "oh yeah, I'm going to die someday too....hmmmm". It's strange facing your own mortality. Death has never really scared me though, it's always seemed so natural to me. Perhaps because so much of my mom and dad's family died when I was a child. I remember many, many funerals. Of course, I never anticipated burying my child. I always thought I would bury my mother or father, that seems much more "natural". Burying a child does not. I'm happy with the cemetery we chose, it's so nice and extremely peaceful. Jackson loves the "big pond" as he calls it. He fishes in it or throws rocks in it whenever we go. We'll try anything to keep him from wreaking havoc on the other grave sites. *sigh* You just have yell "NO!" and cringe a little when he pulls flowers out or steps on headstones. He's three though, what can we expect really?

As the due date of Rollie Pollie approaches I become increasingly anxious about how I will feel when he gets here. I think the fact that he is a boy will most definitely help the situation, but it will be very bittersweet. Our doula suggested we bring a big picture we have of Isabella with us to the hospital while I labor and birth Rollie Pollie, so I can look at her and feel like she is apart of everything. It made me cry tears of joy when she suggested it. How perfect. I'm sure one or two people will think I'm kookie, but that's ok, it's never bothered me before. She also said after Rollie Pollie arrives, she will take a family picture of all of us in bed together and put Isabella's picture in the background. This makes me *extremely* happy. I know she is with me whether I have a picture of her or not, but the visuals help. The sad fact is that there will be a member of our family missing when Rollie Pollie makes his grand entrance. Once again, that just sucks. I hope Rollie Pollie is healthy and ok. I keep telling God "I can't take much more, so go easy on me, OK??" I've been very strong this last year and half, but we all have breaking points. I'm teetering on the edge...........

I miss you my precious girl, my sweet Princess. Mama loves you so much and I cannot wait until we are together forever. I can't wait until I look at your eyes and know that you know exactly who I am. I love you forever and for always.

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