Wednesday, July 25, 2007

An interesting weekend

Husband and I went to a convention this weekend in Oklahoma City for The Compassionate Friends. It was "ok" I guess. I think we expected it to be more healing, but really it was just depressing. There is just so much sadness in this world and I hate thinking about all these children dying. It is just so sad........... We did go to a couple of good workshops though and then Sunday morning a bunch of us went walking in memory of Isabella, which was nice. I've actually been feeling a little better lately. I almost hate admitting that, because I'm afraid it will jinx it or something. This last month has been brutal and there was more than once where I questioned whether or not I was going to survive this. The loss of Isabella is just so profound, it hurts. I just can't really believe that I will never hold her or see her again on this Earth. It boggles the mind........ Of course I am a Christian and I truly believe we will be united again someday!!

Turkey has been handling this so well, he really amazes me. God has really prepared him in the most awesome way for this experience. Of course, he has a hard time understanding "forever" and I don't blame him! I'm an adult and I have a hard time understanding that concept myself. Turkey does still cry from time to time to see "sister" again. It's so tough to have those conversations with him, because I have to control my own sadness. I can't be there for him if I'm a mess and believe me, it is so hard to not start crying when he's upset. Not only am I heartbroken for him, I'm heartbroken for myself. *sigh* He has been telling husband and I that he is pregnant with "sister" and that he's bringing her back from the angels (via his belly) Oh how I wish!!!! Also we have a very large picture of Isabella in our living room now so she can "watch over us" and yesterday he asked her to come out of the picture. I just about lost it. Turkey and I feel the same way it seems :) He's a sweet kid and loves his sister! They had an amazing bond, despite all her limitations. She would just light up for Turkey and would always let him hold her (which is miraculous, believe me).

Everyone keeps telling me to take it one day at a time, and that's what I'm doing. It's definitely more difficult than I imagined being pregnant while grieving a child. I hope having this new baby turns out to be healing. I worry about post partum depression and all of that, so I am really trying to take care of myself and grieve and work through my emotions NOW, not later. Having a new baby will be very bittersweet for us I think. I know I'll be happy to have him and love him just as much as my other kids, but it will also be a painful reminder of all that Isabella could not do in life. These little blogs of mine should prove interesting over the next few months. :)

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