wishin and hopin and prayin

Wow. What a month. I'm so totally zapped I can hardly concentrate. My mind is all over the map and my eyes are permanently heavy. My dad is all fixed, no cancer and is finally HOME. All by hisself! OK, OK, I will admit he was a perfectly perfect house guest (third child!) and I kind of liked having him around to chat with during the day (I get so very lonely these days) but it's nice to have my house back. My silence back, no matter how short lived it is.

Last week my grandfather and great aunt both passed away from different cancers 24 hours apart. Geez. I'm starting to wonder if I have the freakin' cancer now. So two funerals, no weddings. Oh and toss in a major head cold to spread around the fam (thanks dirty pre-k kids! I'm talkin' to you disease spreaders!!) I'm done-zo! I am finally catching up on some sleep (well if you consider breastfeeding a teething infant a gagillion times a night sleeping, like I do that is) and starting to feel "normal" again.

Can I just say I am so stinking excited about this election?? I mean, really excited and ignited. I never thought I would push the democratic agenda, but I totally am. Totally. I love OBAMA! There I said it! I'm a "gut instinct" kind of gal and really it never steers me wrong (I sometimes just like to ignore it) and everything in me vibrates with ICK ICK ICK on McCain/Palin. I am a WOMAN and Palin makes me want to vomit. Of course she is the exact opposite kind of mother I am so that bugs me.........I mean, really? You just gave birth to a special needs kid like 5 seconds ago and your running for vice president of the FREE WORLD? IJustDon'tFreakinGetThat. At all. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt and I couldn't even work at my local ER anymore with Isabella. I'll say that Lissencephaly (severe Liss at that) and Down Syndrome are not even remotely comparable, but still. Special NEEDS. So that gets me.

Her abortion stance? Fuhgeddaboutit. Her referenceing herself as a "pitbull"..................in a word: gross.

But enough about her. Obama. Oh, Obama. You are young, you are bright, you look good too. Your family is precious, your politics are even better and oh, you don't agree with Iraq. SOLD!

So am I totally left wing nut? Nope. I'm just likin' what I'm hearing from that side and I'm so over Bush and everything he's done. I'm all about change, change, change. Especially in my own life.

I've just got this stirring inside me lately. I need to move, grow, change. Something. It's like my family is on the edge of this crappy, hellish cliff and we're about to fall off. (But in a really good way, not in a splat! dead way.) We totally have parachutes and grandure awaiting us at the bottom. I can just feel it.

Isabella just turned our world upside down and rocked it out and we are still figuring out how to turn it right side up, but better. I want to be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend.......just better period. I love that sweet girl, I MISS that sweet girl.........I wish I could dream of that sweet girl. I keep reading about all the these dead baby mama's out there and how they dream of their little babies/children and I can't help but feel jealous. Why doesn't Isabella come to me? She comes to Turkey I think, but no mama. Maybe my heart isn't ready for it like my mind is. Figures.

Turkey is offically a Pre-K kid and loves, loves, loves it. I couldn't be happier.........and let me tell you, two and half hours with one sweet baby is bliss squared. Wow, a whole new world.

The other night Turkey was laying in my bed staring at the huge picture we have of Isabella above our bed when he suddenly started crying. I asked him what was wrong and got this: "I really miss sister. I wish she would come back down. (long pause) It just makes me so sad."


Do you hear that? It's the sound of my heart breaking.

What am I supposed to do with this? Watching my child suffer through such tough emotions and he's a child! It's just not fair. I just explained to him how positively happy Isabella is now with Jesus and how healthy and free she is. It seems to make him feel better, but who really knows. This conversation will be on-going for years to come I am sure. We miss our girl.

Also, please pray for the Nielson's (Nie Nie and her husband Christain specifically) They are an amazing couple and they need all the prayers (and moolah!) they can get. Thanks.

good news and bad news

So I'll give ya the good news first. My dad is cancer free, yesiree he is! The surgery went great, he is staying with me for two weeks (ohmyholyhellyesheis!) and it's been fine so far. He's a good patient here with me, much better than just after the surgery. Thank you for any and all good thoughts and wishes, they were answered, he is the first colon cancer survivor in his family. WOW.

The bad news: A darling, wonderful, amazing family has had tragedy strike. They are the Nielson family and they live in Arizona. The Nie Nie Dialogues, you know who I'm talking about. Well, she and her husband Christian were in an awful plane crash last week and both are in critical condition with burns all over thier bodies. They have 4 children under 6. Please click that sweet little donate button over there and help with the recovery efforts. Read Nie's blog, she is the most amazing woman, mother and wife. We should all aspire to be just like her in every way. Prayers and sweet thoughts are needed for them, God is listening. Their recovery is expected to take millions, yes millions, so please clickety click. Thank you.

(I totally would have put a little link do dad in there for to click on her blog, but I'm blogtarded so you'll just have to figure it out yourself.) So there.

I don't have much time these days so posting will be sparse, but I have thoughts and emotions running wild. The Nielson's have been on my mind and in my heart, I think about them most of the day right now. Really,their story is so touching, I hope it touches your life as well.

Off to be a nurse and mommy and wife. I'm tired. Very tired.

Emotional rollercoaster, here I come!

My dad had his surgery yesterday and he came out fine, thank goodness. His doctor really took his case seriously and bumped her other surgeries to get him quickly due to our family history. So, the news. Good and bad of course. (Am I ever going to just get GOOD?!?)

Both tumors were removed successfully. She (the surgeon) removed an entire FOOT (holy bajoly!) of his colon and got it all. No colostomy, no complications. Big sigh of relief from all. Now for the bad news. If you recall, she removed a portion of his tumors for a biopsy. Those results came in the day before his surgery and she said it was concerning news. The type of cancer he has is adenocarcinoma, which is most commonly associated with the colon. So the good news is that she got all of the tumors out; gone baby gone. The bad news is that the biopsy, aside from showing the type of cancer he has, it also showed if it's a well differentiated cancer or a poorly differentiated cancer...i.e. slow/friendly cancer or mean/aggressive cancer. Cancer has personality ya'll.

Well, Daddy dearest has one of each. One tumor is kind of stupid and friendly and the other tumor is smart and quick to spread. So, that translates to another week of fretting and nail biting while we await the results of the ever important pathology report of the lymph nodes. I know, a whole stinkin' week.

I will say, that the doctors eyes revealed quite a lot about what she is thinking if the cancer has indeed spread to the ol' nodes. Not good. So we will just have to see. In the meantime she wants my brother and I to get genetic counseling she what were up for in our future. Boy, I just can't wait to see what kind of cancer I'm promised so I can freat and worry and stress over things that have not happened yet. Right. So I may forgo the genetic testing. I haven't decided.

I have already had my first colonoscopy and it was about as much fun as having nails driven through your skull. Although I don't have first hand knowledge of the latter. I am already, in fact, due for my second colonoscopy. Can't wait.

I think I'm just ready to be done with death for a while. Are there some sort of "death quotas" out there?

Of course, most of these emotions take me right back to Isabella's death. It's not a place I like to visit and re-visit very often. If I am totally honest I can say that I have felt anger at those around me who are dying/will die soon. I get angry that they will see her before me. Isn't that totaly craziness? I certainly don't want to die right now, I still have two beautiful boys to raise and love. I just don't want anyone else getting their grubby paws on my daughter before me! She's mine, all mine! Don't even get me started on husband dying before me.............oh my goodness that really lights my fire. I'm a freak.....I know.

So another round of The Waiting Game for me. I will keep you posted. More good thoughts/prayers/vibes, whatever ya got. Please and Thank You!

sweet boys

My babies.........aren't they precious?

Cancer here, cancer there, cancer, cancer everywhere!

When it rains it really does poor doesn't it?

So today I took my Dad to have a colonoscopy...........and of course it just so happens that colon cancer totally runs in my dad's side of the family. I'm pretty sure just about everyone has died of it.............literally, everyone. My dad is the only one left, (well except for my brother and myself of course.)

I'm in my twenties and already I have had my first "screen". Let me tell you, colonoscopies are not fun.

Funny maybe........just not fun.

So, my dad. I waited (with my two kids whining the whole time, gotta love it) and waited and really just didn't expect any kind of bad news. I mean, sure, it had been five years since he'd had his last colonoscopy and yeah, he's overweight, and yeah he never gets his heart rate above...oh, a resting heart rate and it runs in his family. But, still, I live in denial land from time to time and I thought I'd talk to the surgeon and she'd say "everything looks fine!"

Notsomuch.

I go back there and suddenly my dad looks so fragile and a little scared. I ask how he's feeling and he mumbles something saracastic, like "just great". Then the doctor comes in..........the surgeon and she's a chick so I totally dig that. I love me some chick doctors, they are way better than dude doctors bytheway. She first says, "Well I have some bad news." I think something along the lines of "Of course you do dahling, that's the only kind of news I get." She goes on, "I found a good size MASS in your dad's rectum (oh goody!) and another smaller MASS in his actual colon. They look bad.............they look like, cancer." OK, so I have to admit, when she said the "C" word I almost lost it. Totally almost started bawling my big baby eyes out. I'm not really a crier, espcially in front of others, but this was too much. Again.

Quick like lightening I remember my dad and how my bawling like a freak wouldn't really give him that "comfort" feeling and I also remember my uber sensitive four year old who has already experienced enough emotional devastation for a frackin' lifetime, so I internally slapped myself silly and sucked it up. I got my big girl panties all pulled up! Then I listened to this rockin chick doctor and she made me feel better. A little bit anyways. Listen, I totally know that doctors lie just a little to make patients and their families feel better. I get that.....and I'm OK with it for now.

So, the course of action. First things first, we gotta get my Daddy-O's blood pressure down (don'tevengetmestartedonthatshit), so I scheduled him with his primary tomorrow morning PRONTO! He's gonna hate me when this is all said and done. Next week he'll have a PET scan and then we'll (yes WE) meet with rockin chick surgeon at the end of the week and discuss. He will have surgery to remove those nasty MASSES and we'll go from there. Best case scenario, the cancer is contained in those masses. Worse case scenario is that it's in his lymph nodes. So we wait.............again.

Oh and p.s............my dad lives all alone, no family besides ME (cancer, remember?) and had nobody. Sad, I know. So I will be taking care of him (which I'm totally OK with that!) I just wish it didn't involve two small children.

I see lots of chanting and lamaze type breathing in my future. Lots.

If you pray, please pray for my dad. He could use a prayer or two.

Thanks.

Bitter? Party for one........

OK, so I've been a smidge bitter lately. Just a smidge. I do not really know why, where it came from and when it's leaving. I really no longer question my myriad of emotions anymore, I just go with it and wait. I know it will pass, I just sit and feel it and wait.

I guess I am just genuinely surprised at the lack of compassion husband and I have received after losing Isabella. I know some folks felt like we had made the decision to not do aggressive life saving procedures for her months before her actual passing and so we must have been totally prepared and at "peace" with it. However we were not totally prepared...........at all. I mean, yes, we were prepared in the sense that we knew she would not live this fantastically long life, at the most, with aggressive medicine, ten years is what we were told. In all honesty, the doctor, the expert felt more like two to three years. We got a little over a year. It was so sudden, her turn for the worse. She had been doing well, eating well, sleeping well, not seizing well and I just didn't see it coming. Much like her diagnosis. Didn't see that coming either.

I also have to admit I put on a pretty brave, strong face. Perhaps it's not just a "face", I do consider myself to be pretty brave and very strong.........but that doesn't mean watching my child die didn't destroy me.......or at least come thisclose to destroying me. It wasn't just hard or difficult, it was infinitely heart breaking. Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Something I will carry with me for the rest of my life and sometimes I think that just sucks.

So I've got a bad case of the bitters. The "nobodyunderstandssowhydon'tIjusteatworms" bitters. I know I'm not alone in this, I know it very well. I have received emails from women all over the world with their stories of heartbreak and untimely loss. In some ways I find it horribly comforting and at the same time I find it horribly awful. It's a real catch-22. I'm glad to have the commraderie, yet devastated that so many of us are "in the club". But we are and we always will be. There are no do overs when it comes to life and death.

So what do I do with my resentment and bitterness? Surely I won't cling to it. I will pray like I always to my Father in Heaven that he will help me through. That I will know his peace and love and that I will make it through this. I cannot live my life angry and bitter. I will not live my life like that.

Coming up!! I will be posting about my total lack of weight loss and I am hoping that by posting just how fat I am, I can possibly shame myself into losing weight? Maybe? Hopefully? Please internet?

Goodnight!

More sadness coming my way

So, my grandfather is dying......I like to just get right to the point you know. He's been sick for a while with recurrent prostate cancer. We found out about 6 months before Isabella passed away and he's been fighting it ever since. Up until last week he's been doing pretty good considering he is in his seventies and the cancer is everywhere in his body, eating him alive.

That is until last week.

My mom called me and said they had decided it was time for Hospice. Of course they wanted the Hospice nurse we had and I agreed that would be best. I loved Isabella's hospice nurse, or rather I love her. She is an amazing woman and became my friend over the months she spent stopping by once a week to check on us.

The trouble with all of this is what it's doing to me mentally. The flood of emotions and memories is almost too much to take. It's left me remembering all the bad days and the last week of her short life. I hate that week and I hate thinking about it even more. I still wake up most days wishing it was all a bad dream and that I have three healthy, beautiful children. Will I ever give that up? Will I ever find total acceptance?

Ironically enough I feel as though I do not know what to say to my mother who is losing a father or my grandmother who is about to lose her life companion. I have harbored such resentment against those who did not have the perfect words of comfort for me and I here I am, stumbling awkwardly. A taste of my own medicine I suppose. Death is uncomfortable to be sure and I find myself with this huge chip on my shoulder constantly thinking "well, their loss is not like my loss.....they aren't burying a CHILD". Or even "OK, he's old, he lived a long, happy life, Isabella certainly didn't get that!" Man, I totally cringed even typing that. It's awful.........but painfully true.

My mom did really piss me off the other night with some of dramatics. We were talking about her decision to place her dad in Hospice and how difficult it was for her and she literally said: "You just don't understand what it feels like to put SOMEONE YOU LOVE IN HOSPICE, IT'S LIKE YOU ARE GIVING UP ON THEM AND ACCEPTING THEIR DEATH." Ex-fucking-cuse me? I don't understand what it's like???? I literally could not even form words with my mouth I was so shocked. I mean, yeah, she's under some stress and she's facing her dad's death and all that so I should probably cut her some slack. But seriously? I think I fucking DO understand, like five million times MORE than she understands. Are we really going to compare the death of a dying old man to my daugther who never even got a real shot at life? Really? Are we sure about this?!

I in fact, absolutely know what it's like to put "someone you love" in Hospice. I can remember signing the DNR papers on my daughter, my child, my breath like it was yesterday. I can remember the people, the emotions, the fucking smells of that day. I can remember how Isabella was sweetly napping in her crib and I could hear her soft breathing on the monitor as I literally signed her life away. Just like that. Oh, but I don't understand. Please.

The problem, is that nobody understand ME and what I've been through. None of my friends, none of my family. Nada. I've searched high and low for a support group, email group, and have come up empty handed each time. There is nothing more isolating than losing a child, nothing more painful. I will say it loud and proud: If you haven't lost a child, you just don't know.

And hopefully, if you are lucky, you never will.