Anger is my middle name these days

Seriously, I wouldn't want to meet myself in a dark alley these days. I am not the kind of gal you want to mess with. Angry, angry, angry. Angry at God, angry at family, angry at myself....just ANGRY! The tiniest thing can really set me off lately. I have not been to church since Kingston was born. I've been using him/winter/sickness as an excuse for the plain fact that I don't want to go to His house of worship right now! I am too mad at Him. I know deep down inside that going will be the best way to forgive Him and move on again, but I just can't do it. Not yet. I'm too busy being pissed off for that! I guess I just feel like this shouldn't have happened to me. I mean, of course I feel that way. Who has something like this happen to them and then think "well, I guess I had it coming....." Only the most humble of humans I guess and it ain't me! I don't think I deserved this, Isabella certainly didn't deserve her lot in life and it just plain STINKS! And I want someone to PAY!!!! I want someone, something to blame for this. My daughter should be here dammit. I should be fixing her hair every morning. I should still be making bows and shopping for cute clothes on Ebay! I should be buying dolls and dress up clothes for MY DAUGHTER instead of everyone else's. I could scream! I really could. I absolutely HATE when it's time for someone's birthday it's a girl. I don't want to buy cutesy girl stuff for YOUR daughter. Why do YOU get a healthy daughter??? Why are YOU so freaking special???? Does God love you more than me? Am I not good enough? Was Isabella not good enough??? HUH?

So clearly, I'm very angry.

Also, I'm feeling very guilty. Extremely guilty. So guilty I cried all weekend in secret and could still cry about it now. I have a secret and I feel terrible about it, I really do. For the first time since Isabella's death, I have been thinking of wanting another girl and I feel awful. I can't help it, I truly can't. I've wanted a daughter my whole life (ok, so not my *whole* life, but you get it) and I've been robbed. I still cannot believe I had a daughter and lost my daughter in 14 months. It feels like agony when I think of it. It's not fair......but I still want a daughter. Of course, I just feel like wanting a daughter still is betraying Isabella. Like saying "hey, sorry it didn't work out for you sweetie, but I'll just get a new one....." UGH. Just typing that made me want to puke. It wouldn't be like that, I know. I could have 10 girls and none of them would be Isabella. That's what really sucks........there is no replacing her....no filling that void. It will just ache for as long as I live. Nice, huh? I guess that's my lot in life. Ok, ok, I have plenty of blessings and my whole life is not over because of my sweet Isabella. Some days it just feels like it is, that's all.

So that's it. That's where I am at this day. Feeling sorry for myself and just wishing my sweet girl was here. Her 2nd birthday is approaching and I'm totally dreading it.......she would have been so beautiful and I would have given her everything she ever desired. I hope she knows that. I love you sweet girl and not a second goes by in my life on Earth that I do not think of you and yearn for you so badly my heart physically aches.

update

I lost 7lbs in a week! WOOT! (and the boobies are still making the good milk!) Ok, continue with whatever you were doing..........


love,

the skinny girl (eventually)

I sure didn't see that one coming

My birthday was last week.....yes I am another year older. I'm really not OLD or anything and I actually look forward to my thirties. I mean let's face it, the twenties have SUCKED. Big time. So, my birthday. Well, it was pretty awful and I just didn't expect it. I spent most of the day crying my eyes out and just having a humongous pity party. Why would I miss Isabella so much on MY birthday? I guess any type of celebration-ish day is going to make us miss her even more.

I know what got it started. I woke up that morning, stretched, smiled at my lover baby and glanced up the huge picture we have of our princess above our bed and had a very quiet thought. "I wish I could have you for my birthday." Seems simple enough I guess, but oh how it isn't simple at all. So, nothing that I was given that day really added up to what I really wanted. Bummer. Big bummer. Husband did his very best to cheer me up though and brought me a chocolate mousse cake from La Baguette. Ohmygoodnessitwassofreakingood. Yeah, I had a giant slice and it was worth every single fat gram and calorie. But of course it did nothing for my heart......... If only chocolate could fix my problems! ( I would have been fixed a long time ago if that was the case, I assure you! )

OH! Big news, big news indeed. I started my diet last week. I went ahead and joined Weight Watchers. I guess I need someone to say to me "hey, you aren't losing weight fatty, what gives?" Nothing like shame to make a girl act right. (or in this case, eat right) So I am doing really good and totally motivated. I'm not even starving! Woot! I do get a butt load of points since I am breastfeeding, which helps! OH, and in 4 days I have lost 4 pounds ! WOW! I know that seems like a lot for short amount of time, but have no fear, it will slow down. Trust me. I'm excited though and have even started walking again! Oooowee I am out of shape when walking somewhat fast makes me sore. Pathetic! My goal is to run a 5K by the end of summer and next spring do my first ever half marathon! I can't wait. Of course husband thinks I am completely crazy for wanting to run that far.....shoot, really just for wanting to run period. I don't think he has ran since that time the cops.......oh nevermind.

So that's life in a nutshell today. Tomorrow may be different, I've learned that in my young life. It only takes a moment, a mere second and it can change like you can't believe. I guess that's life though, right? I better go finish making those delish cupcakes before I wax poetic over here. (Yes I am making wonderful, homemade treats for that LOVE DAY and I'm not even going to eat any.....I promise. Maybe one. Or two.) Just kidding!

A comparison

I was messing around this morning and put three pictures together of all three of my kiddos roughly around the same age in their life. Husband and I think it's pretty funny how we've turned out three different looking kids. How do those people whose kids actually look related do it?? Clearly there are some similarities, but each has their own "look". One consistent theme though is BIG EYES. So here it goes:

Turkey our entertainer (around 4 months):

Isabella our Princess (around 5 months):

And finally Rollie Pollie our peanut (almost 3 1/2 months):

Whew. I've had a lot of babies since 2004! I think my babies are pretty stinkin' cute myself and I can't help but wonder what #4 will look like. #4 you ask? Yes, I'm already thinking..... (now if husband reads this he'll probably have a vasectomy scheduled immediately!)

Do I ever wonder?

What my life would be like if Isabella were here and "normal"? Sometimes. I would do it more often if it didn't make my heart ache so tremendously. I asked husband last night if he ever thought about it (figured he didn't, being a big surly man and all), but he does. He thinks it sucks just like me. I hate to say it, but when I do think of it, I think of how much *better* my life would be. How much *happier*. There is simply something missing and it's a big thing. My baby, my princess. You just can't fill that void........with anything it seems. Oh, I miss her so much. Last night husband had Rollie Pollie giggling and Turkey was laughing and I was laughing and I had to leave the room because all of sudden I wanted to cry. It's the happy times in our family now that I miss Isabella the most. It's glaringly obvious in those moments just who is missing from our happy little family. I hate that. A lot.

The other day Turkey was talking about "sister" (that's what he always called her......we sometimes joked that he didn't know her real name), anyways he recalled something that happened when Isabella was alive. I was so incredibly happy, simply because I hate the fact that Turkey will forget most, if not all of his memories of her. They had 14 wonderful months together and I don't want him to forget. So I try and talk about her often, but not too often as I don't want to depress him. It's such a struggle, I swear. You don't know if your doing what is right or royally screwing your kids up. I guess I'll just get to wait and watch. Weeee!

So I try not imagine Isabella here, playing with her older brother because it's so painful it's almost suffocating. I only let myself ever so often I guess to simply torture myself. Plus, it's really hard to imagine Isabella "normal" as I never even had a glimpse of that from her. She was never beyond that of a 4 week old motor skills-wise. Just to drive my point home, Rollie Pollie is far more advanced than she ever was and he is 13 weeks old. Yup. My poor, sweet girl who brought so much light to my life had so much suffering and pain.

I wish just once, just for a moment God would let me see my sweet girl in Heaven. Let me see her dancing and free so that I could know that she is OK and doesn't need me anymore. Even though she passed away I am still her mother and I still worry about her. You just can't flip that switch. I would give my life to know she is OK, I really would. Shoot, I would give my life just to hold her again or see what her smile looks like or hear what her sweet laugh sounds like. It's the little things that I would give anything for.

Turkey just asked me why I was crying (that stinker is supposed to be "resting", as if three year olds know what "rest" is) and I said, "I'm just writing about sister" and he said in all his infinite wisdom "it's OK to cry about sister (has he heard that before or what?), she's up the sky with the angels, she's OK." Indeed. Thank you little man for your loving words to comfort mama, I love you higher than the moon and the stars.

I love you too sweet Isabella. Even though you can't read this, I know you know how much love I have for you. You are my heart and soul and I have peace in knowing we will be together again someday. The best things in this life and life beyond are those that make you wait. I love you...........

We have waited so long.............

For Turkey to have this. Sibling interaction. Last night I had Rollie Pollie in a Bumbo seat and he looked at Turkey and SMILED. Turkey was tickled pink of course and Husband just beamed at me from across the room. His eyes said "OMG! Did you SEE that??". Indeed I did. Turkey never got that from our sweet Isabella. Of course, Turkey did have the most amazing bond with Isabella, but it was very different from what is going on between he and Rollie Pollie. They are brothers and I simply cannot wait to watch them grow together. Amazing stuff, it truly is.

Well I am yet again at a crossroads in my life. You see I have A.D.D. when it comes to deciding what I am going to do with my life. My purpose I guess. I have such a hard time deciphering what is my own voice and what is God's voice. What does God want for me and from me?? I haven't listened to His voice in the past and have paid the price. I am really trying to learn what the difference is. I'm stuck on a decision......a major one. It has to do with working, making money and time away from my kids. Decisions decisions. First of all, let me just say that I *hate* being away from my kids and could never work Mon-Fri and have them in daycare. I just can't do it. (I also don't think it's right.....but that's another story and would obviously irk some working moms out there.) It's just my humble opinion, that's all. SO, my big decision. I can right or I can plunge and go left. Which way does God want me to go? I have no idea.....and I don't know how to find out. HELP! It's times like this when I want to just call my pastor and say "Hey, can you figure this out for me? You talk to God right?" Oh, if only. I'm sure he'd have some encouraging and insightful words for me, but he wouldn't tell me which way to go now would he? God just needs to come have a cup of coffee with me so we can chat......you know about my career choices, why my daughter had Lissencephaly, OH and why she had to DIE. You know, typical coffee talk............

Well, I have to go clean, do laundry, play puzzles, yell, enforce time out, sweep floors, wipe butts, inform certain three year olds that he cannot put his wee wee on little brothers head (I'm not naming names here.....) you know, my mommy duties. I am *so* underpaid. ;)

Food has been my therapy for too long

Yep, you read that right. Food. My arch nemesis, but my ultimate comforter. *sigh* It's way out of hand at this point (my weight that is). Ok, so I've had three babies since 2004 (yeah, you read that right too) and I had a daughter with a rare and lethal birth defect. I buried said daughter while 20 weeks pregnant with baby #3. Just typing that made me wanna reach for the cookies! So, maybe I have reason for being so totally out of control with my eating. It still sucks though.

I use to *love* working out and eating healthy. Not to place blame here, but husband is a terrible, awful, horrible influence on me. I can still vividly remember when we first started "living in sin" and I would get all dressed up to go run and he would sit on the couch and moan as I walked out the door "don't goooooooooooooooo, stay with me! Let's eat some ice cream and watch a movie and have some.....(insert something naughty here)". And I would invariably cave at his googly eyes. That was the beginning of the end for me. The end of a good body, defined abdominal muscles.....defined anything for that matter!!! Then the bottom fell out of my life and that's when everything really spiraled out of control for me. Isabella was born. Six short weeks later I received the worst news of my life and you know what I did? I ATE. Seriously. I can remember it like yesterday. One minute I'm in the ER screaming and crying.....a few short hours later I'm home and STUFFING MY FACE!!!! It was that quick......my life is falling apart so I know what I'll do! I'll get FAT! Mwahahaha....I'll show life, that asshole! I'll teach life a lesson by ruining my body! Take that!

Okie Dokie. So it hasn't really panned out like I thought. Life doesn't care if I'm fat.....life just......goes on. So here I type a big ol fatty pants. NOT FOR MUCH LONGER!!! As I work through my grief, I get a little angrier and the anger is good, it feels nice.......I want to walk that anger out and eventually RUN that anger out. Oh yes, it will feel so nice. Besides, whatever happened to "I'm going to run because my daughter can't?" It inspired so many and now I'm just a big fat butt! Ok, ok, enough of the self defecating remarks. But really, I need to make a come back. For reals yo!!!

Of course I am breastfeeding my little lover man, so it's going to be slow going for the next few months. (grrrrrr) But I can make small changes now. I can't let food guide me and control me anymore. Yes, I lost my daughter. Yes, it still hurts like a motheryouknowwhat. Yes, I want to eat like there is no tomorrow just so I can not feel that pain for a few short minutes. But I won't. I can't. I love myself too much, and I'm tired of hurting myself even more. I'm just making my life more difficult and trying to replace the pain of losing Isabella with the pain of being fat. Duh. How's that for therapy fatty pants?!

So, I'm going to bite the bullet and actually get a therapist!!! Just someone that I can pay once a week and just UNLOAD on them! Hopefully that will help. I just need to verbally get this stuff off my chest and not be worried about making someone else cry (I know it's terrible, but when I dump on someone about my loss and THEY get emotional it really ticks me off!) So a therapist should do me nicely. Maybe that therapist can get chocolate cake off my mind (and ass?) for good!! Maybe. We'll see. It's a start anyways, right?

Besides, Turkey starts pre-K in the fall and I cannot be the fat mom with the mini van alright? I have some MILF in me somewhere, I'm gonna dig her out!!!! Watch out! ;)

I love you sweet Isabella and you still inspire me every.single.day of my life. You are always with me, keeping my path open and free. You are my forever love.