wanna win a quilt?

Well then get ye to www.oldredbarnco.blogspot.com and enter! They are giving away three gorgeous quilts......for FREE! who doesn't want a free, gorgeous, girly quilt? I know I do!

Happy Birthday my King......

So it's been a while since I've posted, I guess that's a good thing. I've been in a better place and I'm liking it there.

To my third baby, who is well on his way to no longer being a baby. Today you are an entire year old. It's hard to believe that on this day last year you looked like this:

And today you look just like this:
Yeah, I totally put my babies to work as soon as they can walk......hello?

Rollie Pollie, you are a light in all of our lives, but most especially in mine. When I found out I was pregnant with you I was beyond elated. I remember the day, I was in the ER where I kind of still worked and everyone was so shocked at my excitement. I mean, my daughter had this terrible, horrible disorder and took all of my time, so how could I be happy about another baby? It's simple really.......I knew God had planned it just.like.this. Make no mistake, you are no replacement baby and you will never feel like one, I promise you that. You are the sunshine after the storm. You are the restoration of my faith in good and humanity in a crazy, sad world. You have helped in ways you will never understand to heal my mother's heart. You are a gift from God, like all of my children, but you are a little more special in your own way. You came at the right place, at the right time. You are perfect my sweet son and I love you so much.

This last year has been amazing and I have absolutely loved watching you grow. I had forgotten how magical it is to have a child that can sit up, crawl, babble, smile, laugh, WALK! You are the sweetest most affectionate child yet. You love to breastfeed (still!) and love to give kisses (open mouth of course!). You are very social and always meet everyone with a smile. You are incredibly adventurous and I am always on my toes trying to guess your next move. You are a master immitator; always mimmicking my every move. You are stubborn and full of emotions, like somebody else I know (no names!)

Happy Birthday my sweet little monkey, I cannot wait to watch you grow up into the intelligent, handsome, caring and compassionate man I will raise you to be. I love you more than life............Love, Mama

wishin and hopin and prayin

Wow. What a month. I'm so totally zapped I can hardly concentrate. My mind is all over the map and my eyes are permanently heavy. My dad is all fixed, no cancer and is finally HOME. All by hisself! OK, OK, I will admit he was a perfectly perfect house guest (third child!) and I kind of liked having him around to chat with during the day (I get so very lonely these days) but it's nice to have my house back. My silence back, no matter how short lived it is.

Last week my grandfather and great aunt both passed away from different cancers 24 hours apart. Geez. I'm starting to wonder if I have the freakin' cancer now. So two funerals, no weddings. Oh and toss in a major head cold to spread around the fam (thanks dirty pre-k kids! I'm talkin' to you disease spreaders!!) I'm done-zo! I am finally catching up on some sleep (well if you consider breastfeeding a teething infant a gagillion times a night sleeping, like I do that is) and starting to feel "normal" again.

Can I just say I am so stinking excited about this election?? I mean, really excited and ignited. I never thought I would push the democratic agenda, but I totally am. Totally. I love OBAMA! There I said it! I'm a "gut instinct" kind of gal and really it never steers me wrong (I sometimes just like to ignore it) and everything in me vibrates with ICK ICK ICK on McCain/Palin. I am a WOMAN and Palin makes me want to vomit. Of course she is the exact opposite kind of mother I am so that bugs me.........I mean, really? You just gave birth to a special needs kid like 5 seconds ago and your running for vice president of the FREE WORLD? IJustDon'tFreakinGetThat. At all. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt and I couldn't even work at my local ER anymore with Isabella. I'll say that Lissencephaly (severe Liss at that) and Down Syndrome are not even remotely comparable, but still. Special NEEDS. So that gets me.

Her abortion stance? Fuhgeddaboutit. Her referenceing herself as a "pitbull"..................in a word: gross.

But enough about her. Obama. Oh, Obama. You are young, you are bright, you look good too. Your family is precious, your politics are even better and oh, you don't agree with Iraq. SOLD!

So am I totally left wing nut? Nope. I'm just likin' what I'm hearing from that side and I'm so over Bush and everything he's done. I'm all about change, change, change. Especially in my own life.

I've just got this stirring inside me lately. I need to move, grow, change. Something. It's like my family is on the edge of this crappy, hellish cliff and we're about to fall off. (But in a really good way, not in a splat! dead way.) We totally have parachutes and grandure awaiting us at the bottom. I can just feel it.

Isabella just turned our world upside down and rocked it out and we are still figuring out how to turn it right side up, but better. I want to be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend.......just better period. I love that sweet girl, I MISS that sweet girl.........I wish I could dream of that sweet girl. I keep reading about all the these dead baby mama's out there and how they dream of their little babies/children and I can't help but feel jealous. Why doesn't Isabella come to me? She comes to Turkey I think, but no mama. Maybe my heart isn't ready for it like my mind is. Figures.

Turkey is offically a Pre-K kid and loves, loves, loves it. I couldn't be happier.........and let me tell you, two and half hours with one sweet baby is bliss squared. Wow, a whole new world.

The other night Turkey was laying in my bed staring at the huge picture we have of Isabella above our bed when he suddenly started crying. I asked him what was wrong and got this: "I really miss sister. I wish she would come back down. (long pause) It just makes me so sad."


Do you hear that? It's the sound of my heart breaking.

What am I supposed to do with this? Watching my child suffer through such tough emotions and he's a child! It's just not fair. I just explained to him how positively happy Isabella is now with Jesus and how healthy and free she is. It seems to make him feel better, but who really knows. This conversation will be on-going for years to come I am sure. We miss our girl.

Also, please pray for the Nielson's (Nie Nie and her husband Christain specifically) They are an amazing couple and they need all the prayers (and moolah!) they can get. Thanks.

good news and bad news

So I'll give ya the good news first. My dad is cancer free, yesiree he is! The surgery went great, he is staying with me for two weeks (ohmyholyhellyesheis!) and it's been fine so far. He's a good patient here with me, much better than just after the surgery. Thank you for any and all good thoughts and wishes, they were answered, he is the first colon cancer survivor in his family. WOW.

The bad news: A darling, wonderful, amazing family has had tragedy strike. They are the Nielson family and they live in Arizona. The Nie Nie Dialogues, you know who I'm talking about. Well, she and her husband Christian were in an awful plane crash last week and both are in critical condition with burns all over thier bodies. They have 4 children under 6. Please click that sweet little donate button over there and help with the recovery efforts. Read Nie's blog, she is the most amazing woman, mother and wife. We should all aspire to be just like her in every way. Prayers and sweet thoughts are needed for them, God is listening. Their recovery is expected to take millions, yes millions, so please clickety click. Thank you.

(I totally would have put a little link do dad in there for to click on her blog, but I'm blogtarded so you'll just have to figure it out yourself.) So there.

I don't have much time these days so posting will be sparse, but I have thoughts and emotions running wild. The Nielson's have been on my mind and in my heart, I think about them most of the day right now. Really,their story is so touching, I hope it touches your life as well.

Off to be a nurse and mommy and wife. I'm tired. Very tired.

Emotional rollercoaster, here I come!

My dad had his surgery yesterday and he came out fine, thank goodness. His doctor really took his case seriously and bumped her other surgeries to get him quickly due to our family history. So, the news. Good and bad of course. (Am I ever going to just get GOOD?!?)

Both tumors were removed successfully. She (the surgeon) removed an entire FOOT (holy bajoly!) of his colon and got it all. No colostomy, no complications. Big sigh of relief from all. Now for the bad news. If you recall, she removed a portion of his tumors for a biopsy. Those results came in the day before his surgery and she said it was concerning news. The type of cancer he has is adenocarcinoma, which is most commonly associated with the colon. So the good news is that she got all of the tumors out; gone baby gone. The bad news is that the biopsy, aside from showing the type of cancer he has, it also showed if it's a well differentiated cancer or a poorly differentiated cancer...i.e. slow/friendly cancer or mean/aggressive cancer. Cancer has personality ya'll.

Well, Daddy dearest has one of each. One tumor is kind of stupid and friendly and the other tumor is smart and quick to spread. So, that translates to another week of fretting and nail biting while we await the results of the ever important pathology report of the lymph nodes. I know, a whole stinkin' week.

I will say, that the doctors eyes revealed quite a lot about what she is thinking if the cancer has indeed spread to the ol' nodes. Not good. So we will just have to see. In the meantime she wants my brother and I to get genetic counseling she what were up for in our future. Boy, I just can't wait to see what kind of cancer I'm promised so I can freat and worry and stress over things that have not happened yet. Right. So I may forgo the genetic testing. I haven't decided.

I have already had my first colonoscopy and it was about as much fun as having nails driven through your skull. Although I don't have first hand knowledge of the latter. I am already, in fact, due for my second colonoscopy. Can't wait.

I think I'm just ready to be done with death for a while. Are there some sort of "death quotas" out there?

Of course, most of these emotions take me right back to Isabella's death. It's not a place I like to visit and re-visit very often. If I am totally honest I can say that I have felt anger at those around me who are dying/will die soon. I get angry that they will see her before me. Isn't that totaly craziness? I certainly don't want to die right now, I still have two beautiful boys to raise and love. I just don't want anyone else getting their grubby paws on my daughter before me! She's mine, all mine! Don't even get me started on husband dying before me.............oh my goodness that really lights my fire. I'm a freak.....I know.

So another round of The Waiting Game for me. I will keep you posted. More good thoughts/prayers/vibes, whatever ya got. Please and Thank You!

sweet boys

My babies.........aren't they precious?

Cancer here, cancer there, cancer, cancer everywhere!

When it rains it really does poor doesn't it?

So today I took my Dad to have a colonoscopy...........and of course it just so happens that colon cancer totally runs in my dad's side of the family. I'm pretty sure just about everyone has died of it.............literally, everyone. My dad is the only one left, (well except for my brother and myself of course.)

I'm in my twenties and already I have had my first "screen". Let me tell you, colonoscopies are not fun.

Funny maybe........just not fun.

So, my dad. I waited (with my two kids whining the whole time, gotta love it) and waited and really just didn't expect any kind of bad news. I mean, sure, it had been five years since he'd had his last colonoscopy and yeah, he's overweight, and yeah he never gets his heart rate above...oh, a resting heart rate and it runs in his family. But, still, I live in denial land from time to time and I thought I'd talk to the surgeon and she'd say "everything looks fine!"

Notsomuch.

I go back there and suddenly my dad looks so fragile and a little scared. I ask how he's feeling and he mumbles something saracastic, like "just great". Then the doctor comes in..........the surgeon and she's a chick so I totally dig that. I love me some chick doctors, they are way better than dude doctors bytheway. She first says, "Well I have some bad news." I think something along the lines of "Of course you do dahling, that's the only kind of news I get." She goes on, "I found a good size MASS in your dad's rectum (oh goody!) and another smaller MASS in his actual colon. They look bad.............they look like, cancer." OK, so I have to admit, when she said the "C" word I almost lost it. Totally almost started bawling my big baby eyes out. I'm not really a crier, espcially in front of others, but this was too much. Again.

Quick like lightening I remember my dad and how my bawling like a freak wouldn't really give him that "comfort" feeling and I also remember my uber sensitive four year old who has already experienced enough emotional devastation for a frackin' lifetime, so I internally slapped myself silly and sucked it up. I got my big girl panties all pulled up! Then I listened to this rockin chick doctor and she made me feel better. A little bit anyways. Listen, I totally know that doctors lie just a little to make patients and their families feel better. I get that.....and I'm OK with it for now.

So, the course of action. First things first, we gotta get my Daddy-O's blood pressure down (don'tevengetmestartedonthatshit), so I scheduled him with his primary tomorrow morning PRONTO! He's gonna hate me when this is all said and done. Next week he'll have a PET scan and then we'll (yes WE) meet with rockin chick surgeon at the end of the week and discuss. He will have surgery to remove those nasty MASSES and we'll go from there. Best case scenario, the cancer is contained in those masses. Worse case scenario is that it's in his lymph nodes. So we wait.............again.

Oh and p.s............my dad lives all alone, no family besides ME (cancer, remember?) and had nobody. Sad, I know. So I will be taking care of him (which I'm totally OK with that!) I just wish it didn't involve two small children.

I see lots of chanting and lamaze type breathing in my future. Lots.

If you pray, please pray for my dad. He could use a prayer or two.

Thanks.